The Horse-Child

It was one of those games, where you are playing in a town that smells like cow manure.



It was one of those games where all of the fans were over 60 years old.



It was one of those games where your bus driver said really odd off hand comments all the time, and it all kind of sounded like slurred words, or some variation of "Don't slip on the ice outside blalahahahahalalaghahaahhaahagahahg."



It was one of those games, where you wish it would have lasted forever.



And by last forever, I mean "never happened."



The worst part about not playing "alot" and by "alot" I mean "ever," is that if you know someone at the game, it can become mildly embarrasing, especially when after the game they ask you if you need any assistance pulling the splinters out of your ass.



No, thank you. I am fine.



In an attempt to foil the spectators of the game into THINKING i might actually be a contributer to the team, I decided to take OFF my warmup.



This way, if someone strolls into the gym, say, 10 minutes late, they will see me, with my warm up off, and be like, "Oh, that kid probaly plays."



Or maybe it's like, "Oh, that kid probaly starts, and dunked on somebody, but hung on the rim for too long, so the coach benched him, cuz he doens't want him in foul trouble for crunch time. That's probaly it."



But unfortunately, this spectator is sharp, and they realize I am not sweating. At all. This is when I decide to ask my teammate to "hold the rope" and splash some water on my arm.



"Hey, dude...this is gonna sound weird, but could you splash some water on my arm?"



"Fuck you Dart."



I then decide to do it myself, but then the spectator again showcases their wit and observational talents.

The conversation would go as follows.

"Um...i noticed you didn't play. But your warm-up is off, and you appear to have a collection of moisture on your left arm, and your left arm only."

"Um...yeah I actually started, and I had this dunk, and i hung on the rim for too long, and coach pulled me out, cuz he didn't want me in foul trouble for crunch time. You showed up late."

"So, you sat for the remaining 38 minutes?"

"Yeah, and I have a rare condition where i make up stories to make it seem like I am better at Basketball than I am, and whenever I sweat, it only happens in an 8-inch radius on my left bicep."

"Wow. I honestly don't believe anything you just said."

"You shouldn't."

Thankfully, this conversation never happened, but I had time to think about this on the bench, in between flexing my buttcheeks to the beat of "Don't stop believing" and "Sandstorm" (Which is really difficult, by the way) and staring at the half-horse-half-4-year-old towel boy on the baseline.

Rarely do I get distracted watching adolescent boys watch collegiate basketball games, but this was without a doubt one of those times.

The boy literally looked like a horse. There was no discrepency there.

He had oversized teeth, a head that was disproportionately large compared to his body, and a tail and saddle on his back.

During time-outs, he would gallop out onto the court, get up on his hind legs and go "NNNYEEEEEAAAHHHAHHAAH"

Then the athletic director would chase him out of the gym, because his hooves were ruining the gym floor.

Then it was off to the glue factory.

Actually, during actual play, he was constantly scarfing down on a seemingly endless vat of popcorn. The best part about it was he was unable to chew with his mouth closed, which is understandable, as his lips flared out like the half-boy-half-horse that he is.

When the popcorn fell onto the floor beneath him, AKA "playing surface" AKA "The fucking basketball court, where a game is going on." He would eat the popcorn on the ground, directly resembling a horse grazing on grass, and the popcorn pieces he missed, he would drag ONTO the floor with his broom that he never used correctly or at the proper times.

Some of you might be saying, "Sean, why are you so critical about this horse-child? He is young, and you should cut him some slack."

To that, I would say, "NNYYYYEEEEEEEHAAAAHHAHHAHA."

Some might argue that an animal noise is not a valid response to a question. I would argue that it is the ONLY response to a valid question.

I'd love to stay and chat, but the Kentucky Derby is tomorrow, and "Horsechild" needs a good nights sleep so we can win the big bucks, and more importantly, a moral victory for all the half human-half animal children across the world.

To liberation, and to shitty basketball games.