What My Madden 10 Players Are Thinking

Like any other 19 year old American, I spend a hideous amount of time on mind-numbing video games. Mainly, sports games involving my fantasy teams...which is another hideous waste of time on it's own.

I've always wondered how these virtual depictions of these players really FEEL when I'm playing with them. What's that? You don't think these virtual players HAVE feelings!? Well...someone should be expecting a sack of coal under their tree this year.

Me? I'll be expecting NBA 2k10. And possibly the newest Tony Hawk. And Tony Hawk himself. Or a virtual depiction.

Here's the dialogue that most likely occurs between my players in the huddle.

Reggie Bush: Donovan! That was a HORRIBLE throw, man. I was 10 yards away from where you put that ball!

Donovan Mcnabb: Reggie, your speed is a 97, which is pretty unrealistic, it should be a 99, and your agility is a 95...so why the HELL couldn't you catch up to that ball?

Reggie Bush: Look...I'm not even a reciever. This kid...that tall goofy lookin dude eating popcorn, and listening to music while I get repeatedly HITSTICKED, put ME at Wide Reciever. I'm a running back!

Mcnabb: Alright, just sprint to it next time alright? My shoulder's getting sore.

Matt Birk: Your shoulder is sore? My body feels like I've been run over by a semi-truck. This kid has called 17 consecutive pass plays! My icon has been red for the past 30 minutes, and this kid won't get me a sub!

Me: REST UP, BIRK! Your FAT ASS isn't getting ANY BREAK! MMWWAAHAHA!

Anquan Boldin: That's because he didn't draft any back-up offensive lineman. He instead decided to draft 12 recievers and 9 cornerbacks.

Darren McFadden: And 5 running backs. If this fool put's me at Center...I'm out.

LaDanian Tomlinson: He ran the wildcat the entire first quarter. Do you understand what that does to me? I don't even remember what it feels like to hit a hole. I just stand out there in no-man's land, pretend to play quarterback, then get my helmet knocked off by Ray Lewis. It hurts. Really, really bad.

Mcnabb: Alright guys, I understand you are upset, and rightfully so. I mean...this kid hasn't used a timeout all season. But still, we've got a game to win! Alright...it looks like...I-form...uh...Weak out's to you Dallas Clark. L.T.- I'll look for you on the checkdown. Ready....Break!

Clark: I've ran this route every play this game. This is going to be an interception. This kid doesn't get it.

Mcnabb: Ah SHIT! My bad Dallas...I thought you were open!

Clark: Well, your awareness is a 93, but unfortunately, the kid controlling it has the Madden IQ of a 7 year old.

Bush: Is he picking his nose right now?

Boldin: Oh god. He just wiped it on the couch. That's disgusting. Now...he's laughing.

Me: GOD DAMNET MCNABB! THROW THE F*&#ING PIGSKIN!

Torry Holt: He's yelling. Alot. If anyone should be yelling...it should be ME. I have 1 reception on the year. He sends me deep every play, but never looks for me.

Mcnabb: Alright guys, that was my bad last time. He pressed A, but I'm pretty sure he meant Y. It's 4th and 37...what should we do?

Bush: Let's ask Madden.

L.T.: No. Don't you guys get it!? He is never going to ASK MADDEN. He is always going to run whatever he wants.

Mcnabb: You guys are going to hate this...but he's running the wildcat. And Brady Quinn is your lead blocker, L.T.

L.T.: I'm not doing it. I won't go out there.

McFadden: Great. It's always me. I'm gonna get hit 4 yards behind the line of scrimmage by a dude that weights 200 lbs more than me.

(McFadden breaks it for 41 yards, gets his helmet knocked off, and an injury icon pops up)

Darren McFadden has a broken collarbone. Would you like to bench him, or would you like to play him? The re-injury risk is 87%.

Me: McFADDEN!!?!?!? More like...McWUSS! GET BACK IN THERE!

Mcnabb: I honestly wonder if this kid has a heart. At all.

Holt: Alright...Donovan...c'mon man...throw it to me...just this once.

Mcnabb: Honestly, Torry I would love to get you some touches, but he's making us run a Flea Flicker, and he just put McFadden in instead of you at the no. 2 reciever spot.

L.T.: Last time I ran a flea flicker, I tore my ACL. And he kept playing me...because he thought it was funny to watch me limp when you handed off to me. This is hell.

Me: Flea Flicker!? YES! Let's go L.T. Don't be a SALLY.

Ladanian Tomlinson flicks it to Mcnabb, Mcnabb throws it to Anquan Boldin for 13 yards.

Anquan Boldin: Nice throw, Donovan.

Donovan: Oh god. Are you guys seeing this? He's on top of his couch, and just tied his blanket around his body. He's wearing it like a cape, and he's calling himself "SuperMadden." Now he's dancing. Very poorly.

McFadden: Can we just get this over with? If you didn't notice, I was laying on the ground that entire time because I am in so much pain. God help us all.

McNabb: Alright guys. I've got some terrible, terrible news. We are running a fake punt pass.

Boldin: But...it's 1st and 10!

Mcnabb: I know, I know. It's awful. This is never going to work. And worst of all...McFadden...you are the punter.

McFadden: Awesome. So...I'm guaranteed to get messed up, and most likely I am going to throw an interception.

(Play is good for a 7 yard gain. Torry Holt catches the pass off of Anquan Boldin's helmet.)

Me: GOD DAMNET! TORRY WHY THE HELL DID YOU CATCH THAT!? YOU SELFISH *&^*. Taking away touches from ANQUAN!

Holt: Why is he crying? Look at him. He's in a cape. And he is crying.

Matt Birk: I need oxygen as soon as possible. We've been running the no huddle for 11 minutes straight.

McFadden: I no longer have a collarbone. He won't take me out.

Me: I'm bored. This game is dumb. I wonder who's on Facebook.

Bush: Oh god! Don't reach for that green button! No! Not again!

McNabb: Well...see you guys next life. Except for you Torry. You're getting traded cuz you are selfish.

Boldin: I need my touches. And a contract extenstion.

Brady Quinn: Why the hell did he draft me?

The Final Destination.

If you breathe, and you claim to be a human being, I am assuming you have seen The Final Destination. 3D. If you haven’t, I assume that you have been living under a rock, and are saving a lot of money on rent and utilities. Whether or not this describes you, I am here to tell you that 3D glasses are NOT safe to protect your eyes from UV rays.

Anyway, I recently saw The Final Destination, which is technically Final Destination 18, but apparently when you put “THE” in front of a sequel, it’s Hollywood language for, “Look, we know we’ve done this over far too many times, but let’s be real: You are still paying money to see these movies. $13.50 to be exact. Unless you aren’t seeing the 3D version. In which case you are lame.”

Don’t believe me? See titles such as, The Fast and Furious. It’s the 4th installment, but because they put THE and Vin Diesel in the film, it makes it okay.

Upon viewing the Great American Classic known as The Final Destination 3D, and having survived various snake attacks, flying screwdrivers, and seeing a dude’s organs get sucked out from his butthole, I found myself feeling lucky to be alive after the film. Like maybe…I cheated death. But as everyone who sees these movies knows, you can’t cheat death. And if you do, you will be killed in a very unlikely chain of events most likely involving fire, a semi-truck, and an attractive looking woman. And a coffee shop. Always coffee shops.

Here’s a sneak peek inside the conference board meeting room when they decided the uh…plot for The Final Destination:

Director: Alright everybody, I know it’s been a while, but I think now that a few years have past, we can all attack this film from the right angle…do what FINAL DESTINATION has never done BEFORE! Are we excited or WHAT!?

Actor 1: Um…yeah…I mean…nothing personal, but these situations aren’t exactly like…everyday things, you know? Like…does anyone actually go to NASCAR Races?

Director: The last thing I need from you is your negativity, Actor 1…Now go do some sit-ups, and work on delivering lines, and not sounding mentally challenged, then come back to me.

Actor 2: I think the death’s are cool and everything, but the script here says one of us is going to die crossing the street. Come on…that’s far too practical. People die like that all the time.

Director 2: Yeah…but do they die like that in 3D!!!!?!?!?!?!?

Actor 1: Well, it’s real life…so yes. It is a 3 dimensional death. I think if you are gonna start killing people off by way of car accident’s…you’ve really lost your touch.

Director 1: THAT’S IT! Actor 1…You are dying from getting your organs sucked out through your butthole. It’s going to happen.

Actor 1: Oh, god. Not this again. You told me last time I was gonna be the guy who got dragged down the street while being lit on fire because I am a racist.

Director 2: Yes. That was your PRIVLEDGE. Now…you get your guts sucked out through your ass. How’s that feel?

Actor 1: I cannot seriously answer that question because that is literally too absurd to begin to comprehend.

Actor 2: Yeah, that’s pretty messed up.

Director 2: Hey…um, that ceiling fan is going kinda fast. Do you think we could turn it down a bit?

Actor 1: Why? Are you cold?

Director 2: No it’s just…uh—

Actor 2: What…SAY IT!

Director 2: It’s just…well…in the movie, the ceiling fan spins out of control, while simultaneously someone slips on a puddle of hair gel, then as they are falling, the ceiling fan has irresponsibly sharp blades, and it decapitates the person. In several pieces. Aaand…I just don’t want that to happen.

(Silence)

Actor 1: THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM SAYING! This kind of shit is NOT believable! Why would a ceiling fan be so damn sharp? And why would there be a puddle of hair-gel on the FLOOR!?

Director 1: The gel is on the floor because the wind spilled it there. Happens all the time.

Actor 3: That did almost happen to me the other day.

Actor 1: You were on set. That’s why it happened. You were filming a movie. That is not real life.
Actor 3: I’m gonna go do sit-ups.

Director 2: Someone turn off that damn ceiling fan. And mop up the hair gel for god’s sake.

Actor 2: I think this meeting needs to be re-scheduled. Plus…I’ve gotta go get my car washed.

Director 2: Make sure to have a bird shit on your window, then get yourself locked in the car, then have the sunroof open while you’re in the car, then stick your head out the sunroof only to get decapitated by the soft, spinny thing that cleans your roof.

(Silence)

Actor 1: Is this how you live your life? Constantly looking for inconspicuous ways for people to die?

Actor 4: This meeting is Horseshit. I am going downstairs, and to do so…I am going to use an escalator.

Director 1: Make sure to not get your shoelace caught in the escalator, then cause the escalator to break, then get dragged in to the gears and motor of the escalator and turned into a slice of cheese with clothes on because you didn’t have the presence of mind to just remove your shoes and jump off the escalator.

Actor 2: Jesus Christ.

Actor 3: That is IT! I am going to a Nascar Race.

Director 3: Make sure that you don’t sit down and have a vision of everyone dying, then get your head chopped off by a flying wheel, but then realize it was just a vision, then get your body crushed by a flying engine, because let’s face it…flying engines are all over at NASCAR races.

Actor 1: Nobody is going to see this movie. And if they do…there will be a very humorous blog written about us by some kid on Facebook.