As many of you probably know, the NBA isn’t happening right now. Two weeks ago, training camp was supposed to start, which usually gives me a good reason to watch NBATV for hours on end for the “EXCLUSIVE PRACTICE SESSIONS 24 HOUR ACCESS” and “HOW DID PAU GASOL LET US PUT A CAMERA IN HIS SHOWER!? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO EVEN SEE THAT!??,” episodes, where I watched Phil Jackson sit on a big chair last year, Kobe Bryant shoot on the side kind of, all the while wondering why I couldn’t at least have the athleticism of Luke Walton, or the mind of Ron Artest.
But nope, that isn’t happening this year, because David Stern decided to take a sizable shit on all of my dreams. Instead, I am watching “Cupcake Wars” and wondering why I have no social life.
I keep reading articles and blog-posts about the lockout, and the forecast is grim. It looks, as of right now, no matter how much the two sides negotiate, there is no progress. Why? Is it because the owners are greedy money-grabbers? Is it because like 4 teams actually made profit this year? Is it because of Lebron James? He seems to ruin everything.
No. The reason no progress is being made is because the negotiations go like this. Word for word, duh:
Derek Fisher: Greetings, all. I know this has been quite an ordeal, and we all just want to get back to doing what we love. Hopefully, this afternoon will bring about some clarity to our increasingly complex labor negotiations. I will pass it off to Ray Allen to explain our stance, in detail.
Ray Allen: Thanks Derek. As many of you know, we, as players feel like we should not be punished for the careless contracts issued out by the owners. For example, why should I, the all time leader in 3pt makes in NBA history, be punished because some idiot gave Rashard Lewis 80 million to be overrated?
Rashard Lewis: That’s cold, Ray.
Ray Allen: Sorry, man. Seattle was your prime, you kinda suck now.
Rashard Lewis: I do kind of suck now, huh. What team am I even on anyway? Am I relevant to anyone anymore?
JJ Redick: No. You’re pretty unimportant. And that’s coming from me, JJ Redick. I wear gel in my hair, like Sasha Vujacic, minus the whole “dating a hot tennis player” thing. But I went to Duke. And we’re totally not racist. Elton Brand is an asshole.
Elton Brand: Hoooold up, man. What’s up with that? So not fair. I was just sitting here, minding my own business, getting rebounds and stuff, not being good past the year 2007, and you’re going to just come at me like that?
David Stern: Gentlemen, I’m sorry, but I’ve got to intervene. Can we get to the point? Derek, please re-direct this discussion
(Derek Fisher distracted by Luis Scola, and his ugly face, and sick savvy post game. Scola enters.)
Derek Fisher: LUIS SCOLA!!?!?!?!?!? WHAT THE F**K!?? Oh, HELL NO! Who invited this guy!??
(Derek Fisher lowers his shoulder, offends everyone from Southern America, and obliterates Luis Scola, ala the playoffs that one year when he f****d him up.)
Tim Donaghy enters
(Blows his whistle aggressively)
Tim Donaghy: That was a foul. On Luis Scola. Excessive hair, and wearing the wrong jersey. The Lakers win. Everything. All things, the Lakers win all things, always.
Kobe Bryant: Nice.
David Stern: Seriously, guys? Tim Donaghy?
(Enter Chris Bosh)
Chris Bosh: Look, guys. This seems to be a bit of a tense situation. To ease the tension, I am now going to stand up, and start parading around the room, like the ostrich/raptor that I am.
(Chris Bosh starts running around the room)
David Stern: This is ridiculous. I seriously WANT to be mad right now, but just look at him. He looks like an ostrich, or a dinosaur, or a very overrated power forward.
(Bosh stops in his tracks.)
Bosh: Whoa, whoa whooooaaa…I am NOT overrated. Didn’t you see me on ESPN First Take?
David Stern: Alright, let’s get back to the point, Ray Allen, could you please start us off?
J.R. Smith enters, and predictably, will probably ruin everything, or shoot some really ill-advised 3’s, or maybe dunk on somebody.
J.R. Smith: HOOOO!!!! Is that…JESUS SHUTTLESWORTH!?!?!? (starts doing that stupid chicken dance that he does)
Billy Hunter: Okay, guys. Seriously? Do you want to play this season, or NOT!??
Josh Selby: I’m not tryin to go through a lockout, but I’m just curious, breh
(Silence)
….
Chris Andersen: I have a neck tattoo…
Kobe Bryant: God-damnit, Chris.
(Michael Jordan enters)
MJ: Hey, just to let all you pussies know, I could beat the shit out of all of you in 1 on 1. Don’t you ever forget it, you punk b****es.
(MJ leaves)
Nick Collison: That was rather rude.
All: Nick Collison!? You’re still in the NBA?
Nick Collison: Guys, I’ve been here the whole time. I took seven hundred charges last year.
Billy Hunter: Listen, guys. If we don’t get this done now, the first 2 weeks of the NBA season will be CANCELLED. You hear me? Cancelled!
Paul Pierce: How is that possible? That’s not fair! How is that POSSIBLE!??
Kevin Garnett (who has been in the scene the whole time, he’s just been busy talking shit to Jose Calderon, and banging his head against the backboard stanchion the entire time)
Kevin Garnett: ANYTHIING IS POSSIBLE!
John Salmons: Look at my beard.
(silence)
John Salmons: Look at my beard.
(silence)
John Salmons: My last name is a fish.
(silence)
(Stephen Jackson starts rapping)
Stephen Jackson: I get bucks/like the team that I play for
(Enter Kareem Abdul Jabbar)
Kareem: Where’s my fucking statue?
Andrew Bynum: You don’t even deserve one. I don’t need you here. Nobody needs you here. I am fine without you.
(Andrew Bynum tears his meniscus)
Dirk Nowitzki: TAKE DAT WITCH YEW! (pointing to Kareem’s water bottle, which he left on the table)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBeWB1yg-G4
Dirk Nowitzki: No, seriously. Take dat witch yew.
(silence)
Dirk: Whatever, I’m going to go shoot some one-footed jumpers. Suckers.
David Stern: That’s it. I’m done. First 2 weeks, cancelled. And Kareem, you’re not getting a statue if you keep asking for it. The whole point is flattery, not entitlement, you selfish jerk.
Lebron James: Hold up everyone. Commissioner Stern, just hear me out. Okay, so we have this lockout, right?
Lebron’s Yes-men: Right
Lebron: And it totally sucks, right?
LYM: Right.
Lebron: And everyone hates it, right?
LYM: Right!
Lebron: So, we run this, like, hour long telecast of our debate, right. The revenue it generates will be AT LEAST enough to pay off Rashard Lewis, Joe Johnson AND Anderson Varejao’s terrible contracts.
LYM: RIGHT!
Lebron: Then, at the end, we’ll announce whether I am going to wear number 6 next year, or number 100, because no other player in history has ever done that. Then, it can end with a close-up of my tattoos, or something, then maybe I could throw in a couple self-depreciating jokes, because apparently I do that now. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48qzZT4Rj24
David Stern: That sounds stupid. Are you going to wear that awful checkered button down shirt again?
LYM: Let’s invite Jim Grey!
Kobe: That sounds awful. How about we do that same thing, but with me, and I wear jersey number 101, because I have to be one better than everyone, always. We can just have highlights of my 81 point game streaming over and over and over again. It will make people miss the NBA so much that the lockout will have no choice but to end.
(silence)
Kobe: Fine. We can photo-shop Kwame Brown out of every clip.
Kwame Brown: Hey! I made 3 million this last year!
David Stern: Oh, God.
(Enter Mark Cuban)
Mark Cuban: Sup, Commish. Our earnings were way down this year, I mean, yeah, we won the title, or whatever. But I need some more cashflow. Brian Cardinal needs like 3 more frozen-body massage treatments, or he is going to disintegrate.
Brian Cardinal: I made 4 million last year.
Billy Hunter: This is hopeless.
(John Wall starts doing the dougie.)
(Blake Griffin gets naked http://a.espncdn.com/photo/2011/1005/111005blakegriffin.jpg Jumps over a car)
David Stern: Alright, alright. Lockout is over.
(Everyone joins hands, sings “Basketball” by Bow Wow, and nobody ever has to pretend to care about the start of the NHL season ever again.)
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