Inside The NBA Lockout Meetings

As many of you probably know, the NBA isn’t happening right now. Two weeks ago, training camp was supposed to start, which usually gives me a good reason to watch NBATV for hours on end for the “EXCLUSIVE PRACTICE SESSIONS 24 HOUR ACCESS” and “HOW DID PAU GASOL LET US PUT A CAMERA IN HIS SHOWER!? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO EVEN SEE THAT!??,” episodes, where I watched Phil Jackson sit on a big chair last year, Kobe Bryant shoot on the side kind of, all the while wondering why I couldn’t at least have the athleticism of Luke Walton, or the mind of Ron Artest.

But nope, that isn’t happening this year, because David Stern decided to take a sizable shit on all of my dreams. Instead, I am watching “Cupcake Wars” and wondering why I have no social life.

I keep reading articles and blog-posts about the lockout, and the forecast is grim. It looks, as of right now, no matter how much the two sides negotiate, there is no progress. Why? Is it because the owners are greedy money-grabbers? Is it because like 4 teams actually made profit this year? Is it because of Lebron James? He seems to ruin everything.

No. The reason no progress is being made is because the negotiations go like this. Word for word, duh:

Derek Fisher: Greetings, all. I know this has been quite an ordeal, and we all just want to get back to doing what we love. Hopefully, this afternoon will bring about some clarity to our increasingly complex labor negotiations. I will pass it off to Ray Allen to explain our stance, in detail.

Ray Allen: Thanks Derek. As many of you know, we, as players feel like we should not be punished for the careless contracts issued out by the owners. For example, why should I, the all time leader in 3pt makes in NBA history, be punished because some idiot gave Rashard Lewis 80 million to be overrated?

Rashard Lewis: That’s cold, Ray.

Ray Allen: Sorry, man. Seattle was your prime, you kinda suck now.

Rashard Lewis: I do kind of suck now, huh. What team am I even on anyway? Am I relevant to anyone anymore?

JJ Redick: No. You’re pretty unimportant. And that’s coming from me, JJ Redick. I wear gel in my hair, like Sasha Vujacic, minus the whole “dating a hot tennis player” thing. But I went to Duke. And we’re totally not racist. Elton Brand is an asshole.

Elton Brand: Hoooold up, man. What’s up with that? So not fair. I was just sitting here, minding my own business, getting rebounds and stuff, not being good past the year 2007, and you’re going to just come at me like that?

David Stern: Gentlemen, I’m sorry, but I’ve got to intervene. Can we get to the point? Derek, please re-direct this discussion

(Derek Fisher distracted by Luis Scola, and his ugly face, and sick savvy post game. Scola enters.)

Derek Fisher: LUIS SCOLA!!?!?!?!?!? WHAT THE F**K!?? Oh, HELL NO! Who invited this guy!??

(Derek Fisher lowers his shoulder, offends everyone from Southern America, and obliterates Luis Scola, ala the playoffs that one year when he f****d him up.)

Tim Donaghy enters

(Blows his whistle aggressively)

Tim Donaghy: That was a foul. On Luis Scola. Excessive hair, and wearing the wrong jersey. The Lakers win. Everything. All things, the Lakers win all things, always.

Kobe Bryant: Nice.

David Stern: Seriously, guys? Tim Donaghy?

(Enter Chris Bosh)

Chris Bosh: Look, guys. This seems to be a bit of a tense situation. To ease the tension, I am now going to stand up, and start parading around the room, like the ostrich/raptor that I am.

(Chris Bosh starts running around the room)

David Stern: This is ridiculous. I seriously WANT to be mad right now, but just look at him. He looks like an ostrich, or a dinosaur, or a very overrated power forward.

(Bosh stops in his tracks.)

Bosh: Whoa, whoa whooooaaa…I am NOT overrated. Didn’t you see me on ESPN First Take?

David Stern: Alright, let’s get back to the point, Ray Allen, could you please start us off?

J.R. Smith enters, and predictably, will probably ruin everything, or shoot some really ill-advised 3’s, or maybe dunk on somebody.

J.R. Smith: HOOOO!!!! Is that…JESUS SHUTTLESWORTH!?!?!? (starts doing that stupid chicken dance that he does)

Billy Hunter: Okay, guys. Seriously? Do you want to play this season, or NOT!??

Josh Selby: I’m not tryin to go through a lockout, but I’m just curious, breh

(Silence)

….

Chris Andersen: I have a neck tattoo…

Kobe Bryant: God-damnit, Chris.

(Michael Jordan enters)

MJ: Hey, just to let all you pussies know, I could beat the shit out of all of you in 1 on 1. Don’t you ever forget it, you punk b****es.

(MJ leaves)

Nick Collison: That was rather rude.

All: Nick Collison!? You’re still in the NBA?

Nick Collison: Guys, I’ve been here the whole time. I took seven hundred charges last year.

Billy Hunter: Listen, guys. If we don’t get this done now, the first 2 weeks of the NBA season will be CANCELLED. You hear me? Cancelled!

Paul Pierce: How is that possible? That’s not fair! How is that POSSIBLE!??

Kevin Garnett (who has been in the scene the whole time, he’s just been busy talking shit to Jose Calderon, and banging his head against the backboard stanchion the entire time)

Kevin Garnett: ANYTHIING IS POSSIBLE!

John Salmons: Look at my beard.

(silence)

John Salmons: Look at my beard.

(silence)

John Salmons: My last name is a fish.

(silence)

(Stephen Jackson starts rapping)

Stephen Jackson: I get bucks/like the team that I play for

(Enter Kareem Abdul Jabbar)

Kareem: Where’s my fucking statue?

Andrew Bynum: You don’t even deserve one. I don’t need you here. Nobody needs you here. I am fine without you.

(Andrew Bynum tears his meniscus)

Dirk Nowitzki: TAKE DAT WITCH YEW! (pointing to Kareem’s water bottle, which he left on the table)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBeWB1yg-G4

Dirk Nowitzki: No, seriously. Take dat witch yew.

(silence)

Dirk: Whatever, I’m going to go shoot some one-footed jumpers. Suckers.

David Stern: That’s it. I’m done. First 2 weeks, cancelled. And Kareem, you’re not getting a statue if you keep asking for it. The whole point is flattery, not entitlement, you selfish jerk.

Lebron James: Hold up everyone. Commissioner Stern, just hear me out. Okay, so we have this lockout, right?

Lebron’s Yes-men: Right

Lebron: And it totally sucks, right?

LYM: Right.

Lebron: And everyone hates it, right?

LYM: Right!

Lebron: So, we run this, like, hour long telecast of our debate, right. The revenue it generates will be AT LEAST enough to pay off Rashard Lewis, Joe Johnson AND Anderson Varejao’s terrible contracts.

LYM: RIGHT!

Lebron: Then, at the end, we’ll announce whether I am going to wear number 6 next year, or number 100, because no other player in history has ever done that. Then, it can end with a close-up of my tattoos, or something, then maybe I could throw in a couple self-depreciating jokes, because apparently I do that now. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48qzZT4Rj24

David Stern: That sounds stupid. Are you going to wear that awful checkered button down shirt again?

LYM: Let’s invite Jim Grey!

Kobe: That sounds awful. How about we do that same thing, but with me, and I wear jersey number 101, because I have to be one better than everyone, always. We can just have highlights of my 81 point game streaming over and over and over again. It will make people miss the NBA so much that the lockout will have no choice but to end.

(silence)

Kobe: Fine. We can photo-shop Kwame Brown out of every clip.

Kwame Brown: Hey! I made 3 million this last year!

David Stern: Oh, God.

(Enter Mark Cuban)

Mark Cuban: Sup, Commish. Our earnings were way down this year, I mean, yeah, we won the title, or whatever. But I need some more cashflow. Brian Cardinal needs like 3 more frozen-body massage treatments, or he is going to disintegrate.

Brian Cardinal: I made 4 million last year.

Billy Hunter: This is hopeless.

(John Wall starts doing the dougie.)

(Blake Griffin gets naked http://a.espncdn.com/photo/2011/1005/111005blakegriffin.jpg Jumps over a car)

David Stern: Alright, alright. Lockout is over.

(Everyone joins hands, sings “Basketball” by Bow Wow, and nobody ever has to pretend to care about the start of the NHL season ever again.)

25 Things People Don't Know About Lebron James

If you own a television, have access to a computer, breathe oxygen, or say "ouch" when you stub your toe on the coffee table, you're probably aware of the media downpour going on regarding all things Lebron James.

And when I say "media downpour," I mean, "every single human on planet earth is taking an aggressive, stinky, dense, $hit on Lebron James." Literally, everyone is unleashing their pent up waste, and dumping it directly onto Lebron James' stupid headband in a violent, unrelenting fashion.

Here's a list of things we don't know about Lebron James.

1. Lebron James is actually NOT Osama Bin-Laden. He is a professional basketball player.

2. Lebron James does NOT have a forehead tattoo that reads "compare me to Michael Jordan please."

3. Deshawn Stevenson DOES have a forehead tattoo. Of a crack. His explanation; "it's cuz I never crack under pressure." Got it.

3. Lebron James is 26. Michael Jordan won his first ring at 28. What will you be doing when you're 26? What did you do when you were 26? Were you winning MVP's? Were you being 6'8 260 lbs? If so, thanks for reading. Tell your rich friends about me.

4. Lebron James refers to himself as "King James." Don't beleive me? Read here

5. There is no specific scientific reason that Lebron James wears a headband.

6. There is also no explanation as to why he makes this face.

7. Lebron James did not steal your lunch money during recess.

8. Delonte West had sexual relations with Lebron James' mother. Can we all take a second and feel sorry for Lebron. Okay. Thanks.

9. Lebron James did not have sex with your mom. Probably.

10. Lebron James is leading the 2011 NBA Finals in assists in the 4th quarter.

11. Lebron James is leading the 2011 NBA Finals in times where Stuart Scott, Magic Johnson, That One Barry, and Michael Wilbon say the word "choke."

12. Lebron James always makes the right pass.

13. Except for when he makes the wrong pass.

14. Lebron leads the league in jersey sales.

15. Lebron leads the league in jerseys that were bought, and then burned.

16. Lebron leads the league in jokes at his expense about currency:

-Lebron should play hockey, they don't have a 4th quarter.

-Lebron got asked for change for a dollar, and only gave 3 quarters.

-This was considered especially cheap because Lebron James is very wealthy.

-I omitted #4 from this list, just to make these a$$holes who make up these jokes HAPPY.

17. Lebron James hates quarters.

18. Lebron James could not win a basketball game 1-on-5. Neither could Michael Jordan. We seem to struggle with coming to grips about this.

19. Lebron James allegedly cracks under pressure.

20. Lebron James has a tattoo on his back that reads "Chosen One."

21. So do I.

22. Lebron James is the best player in the NBA.

23. He is not playing like it.

24. He had a triple-double last game.

25. Shit.

Lebron James, and the "R-Word."

Alright, I usually don't do this. And when I say "usually" I mean, I NEVER do this. I haven't written about anything serious on this blog, literally, ever.

However, there was a recent event that took place that really "got my blood boiling," and "grinded my gears." This is not because I am a grumpy old man, which I undoubtedly am, but rather, it's an indication of what we deem acceptable and unacceptable in society, and frankly, it makes me want to vomit.


About a month ago, Kobe Bryant used a homophobic slur to express his distaste with an official's call. He called the referee "The F-Word," and I watched on my couch in disgust, as I witnessed my favorite basketball player of all time absolutely lose his mind and offend probably everyone in America simultaneously.

This guy has been hanging from my wall since I was 8. I drew free-hand sketches of him and sent them in to Sports Illustrated For Kids. I named my DOG after him. I grew an AFRO and changed my name to KOBE because of him. Okay I made that last part up.

About three days passed, and he kind of apologized. Then he got fined $100,000, and his kind-of apology turned to a real apology.

Kobe went on to film a public service announcement about how "gay" is not synonymous with "stupid" or "inadequate." Yes, it took him about a week. Yes, he was extremely out of line. But, in the end, he apologized and took a proactive step towards righting his wrong. He cannot be forgiven, but some positive outcome can emerge from his insensitive remarks.

Two weeks ago, Lebron James used the word "retarded" in a press conference. A press conference. You know, the place where there are microphones that pick up everything you say? That place where you are asked idiotic questions over and over again, and you say things like "we gave 100 percent tonight," and "we executed the gameplan, I just have to give all the credit to my teammates."

Yeah, those press conferences.

A reporter asked a STUPID question to Dwyane Wade, postulating that maybe Wade is a dirty player because he committed a foul that lead to Rajon Rondo dislocating his elbow.

To which, Lebron gave his least impressive assist of the season, interjecting, and providing his own idiotic comment:

"That's retarted," he said, under his breath, his mouth covered by his hand.

You can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91JlOqzxp_w

Okay.

I get it.

That was an imbicilic remark. I do not think that he hates people with developmental disabilities. I do not think Lebron James is an advocate of discrimination. I do not think Lebron James is a bad person, and I know he is really good at dunking and putting that round orange thing through a rim.

It is not the comment itself that is so insensitive--even though it is--it is the fact that he, and most people, fail to understand how offensive it is.

When first offered the opportunity to apologize for his use of "The R-Word," Lebron took it as an opportunity to further criticize the reporter's question.

"I didn’t understand the question," he said.

James went on to add, "It’s definitely blown out of proportion. I don’t think Dwyane is a dirty player."

He went on to justify the use of "The R-Word."

"So it’s the same as me saying, ‘I don’t think that’s a great question,’ or, ‘I think it’s a stupid question.’ Dwyane has never been a dirty player, so I don’t know why someone would even ask him that question.”

Clearly, this is an oversight by Lebron. You cannot justify using the "R-Word" by insisting that "it's just the same as me saying I think it's a stupid question."

That is the problem. Retarted and stupid are not the same thing. And if you operate under this assumption, you are compartmentalizing and offending all people with disabilities.

Evidently, he had a moment of clarity that night, as the next time he faced the press, he opened his conference with an apology.

“First of all, before I answer your questions, I want to apologize for using the ‘R-word’ after Game 3, if I offended anyone, I sincerely apologize.” James said.

Good. Progress. He's shown remorse, and we can follow suit. If it's not okay for Lebron to use that word, it's not okay for anyone to use it.

The problem is, though he apologized, the public response, or lackthereof, shows we have a long way to go.

I really hate to compare discrimination. To say homophobic slurs are more or less offensive than slurs that are insesnsitive to people with disabilities is to make one seem acceptable, while the other is not. I want to be clear--both are unacceptable.

This raises the question, however, if both are unacceptable, shouldn't both be punished? And in the same way?

Kobe Bryant got fined $100,000 for his comments, and rightfully so.

Lebron James didn't get fined.

I'm not asking for Lebron's head. I'm not asking for an extended apology. I'm not asking for a time machine, or a politically-correct sensor to make sure nobody says things to piss people off.

What I'm asking for is awareness, and acceptance. Awareness that the "R-Word" is deeply hurtful, and offensive. Acceptance that it's just as bad as "Insert Slur Here."

Also, I'm looking for some pro-activity. Maybe Lebron doesn't film a public service ad. Maybe he doesn't donate $100,000 to disability awareness programs.

But at the very least, maybe we can all learn from this. Maybe we, as people, can see through this word, see through Lebron's mistake, and take a proactive approach ourself. Lebron need not be scolded. Lebron is not the problem.

If we can admit and acknowledge that the "R-Word" is offensive, and use King James's slip-up as an opportunity to eliminate it from our own vocabulary, we can all take the proactive step. If not, we'll be stuck in the same rut, and people will continue to feel isolated, discriminated, and not accepted by others.

Let's learn from this, you and I, and anyone else who cares to listen. Let's be proactive, let's make a change. If anything, this is a start. Erase the R-word. Thanks for reading.