You Wanna Know How I Know You're Gay?

It has become ever-apparent that college professors are nothing like the teacher’s I had from grades K-12.

I don’t remember my 4th grade teacher getting offended by me not calling her Doctor Palmer. I do recall her getting mad at me for wiping my boogers on the bottom of my seat.

10 years later, and my professors are getting angry when I don’t refer to them as “Doctor,” and STILL getting mad at me for wiping my boogers on my chair.

“I DO WHAT I WANT!” I would say. Then I would proceed to fart loudly and blow my burp breath all over the hooded sweatshirt of the girl who sits in front of me.

Such acts of rebellion are not tolerated in the college classroom…so I refrain. But apparently, what IS tolerated in the college classroom is having a teacher video tape himself.
Every morning, at 7, I roll out of bed and muster up the courage to attend a class whose teacher does not directly teach real people.

He does something called “Distance Ed,” and videotapes himself during class, then uploads it to something called “the internet,” and that way people living in New York who thought it’d be fun to take a PHILOSOPHY CLASS THROUGH EASTERN OREGON UNIVERSITY, can watch him repeat our textbook, word for word. Because god forbid they actually have to read. It should be noted here that our professor…excuse me DOCTOR…wrote the textbook himself, and you should kiss his feet.

I had an interaction today with my professor that went a little something like this.

Me: So…is this data table a recent study? Or was it done a few years ago?

Doctor: (Looks into the camera. Self consciously adjusts his jeans…the camera adds ten pounds…clears his throat…adjusts his pants again…and repeats my question very loudly, like he’s reading off of a teleprompter for the first time in his life.) The question is, “How recent is this graph?” This is a really good question. A question that I am going to answer right now.

I now realize that he is doing his best Bob Barker impression and failing miserably. I also now realize that he has successfully talked for 20 seconds without saying ANYTHING.

Doctor: The answer to this question is…this is an outdated graph. It was done in 1979. And that is the answer to the question. (Clears his throat, adjusts his shirt, adjusts his tie. Smiles into the camcorder.)

It should also be noted here that his wife wakes up at 7 every morning to sit in a chair and point the camcorder at him. I am still unsure as to why she does this, because the man never moves, and he never looks away from the camera…at the actual students who are physically present.
It’s the strangest thing because often times he will say things TO the camera, and not to the students. It will be an awkward whisper sort of thing, where he sort of leans in to the tripod, and says something like… “The tall kid in the back has NO idea what the hell he is doing. I’d pan over to him right now…but I think he’s watching me. He’s so WEIRD.”

My interesting experiences with professors doesn’t stop there. Oh no…it doesn’t.

A professor whom I am very fond of, who teaches my history class, evidently thinks I am a homosexual.

It should be stated that I have no problem with homosexual people, It just so happens that I am NOT a homosexual, but rather a heterosexual. Evidently, I don’t always give off this vibe.

It was an innocent class discussion, and we were talking about the history of sexuality, and whether or not time period has anything to do with sexual attraction. Nobody was saying ANYTHING so I decided to speak up, and say that I believe time and culture both have apparent effects on sexual attraction. I cited that I was not particularly attracted to supposedly “beautiful” people from the 1960’s. I found them to dress weird, I found their mannerisms odd, and in no way saw them to be sexually attractive.

The professor was elated with my response, told me I made great points, and went on to lecture a few minutes about how much culture influences our sexual desires.

She then paused…and said, “Sean makes a great point when he says that for SOME reason…he was not attracted to the…people of the 1980’s. Now, Sean. We hear you say you are not attracted to them, and I can’t help but ask…when you say THEM…what do you mean?”

At this point…I am genuinely confused as to what the hell she is asking me. You know how teachers often ask leading questions? Or questions to make a point? I thought this was one of those times. So I replied with the simplest of answers.

“The people in the 1960’s. It’s like they are so different than us, it is hard to be sexually attracted to them.”

The professor then replies, “Okay…so you are not attracted to the….uh….the…is it men or women of the 1960’s?” (Notice how she puts men first. Alphabetical? I think NOT!)

My face immediately turns to an oversized tomato, I hunch down in my seat and try to disappear as every individual in the class is now in a hysterical fit of laughter.

From here. It could go one of 2 ways. I could interpret the classes laughter as a “Oh my GOD she didn’t know he was straight? Duuuuh he’s straight…he’s like…the coolest babe magnet on campus!”

Or…it could be the much more likely, “Oh man we just outed a closet homosexual in class. I bet he feels really awkward. I feel really weird. I’m going to make sure to never change in the same room as him. Now I am going to laugh at him.”

After the earthquake of humiliation subsided, the professor tried to defend herself, and she said, “Well, Sean…you never specified if they were actors or actresses, men or women.”

“Um…actually I did. I said actresses.”

Several of my classmates nodded their head in agreement, which sparked more laughter, because everyone just realized my professor just assumed that I was a homosexual.
Humiliated, I stayed 30 minutes after class just to prove to my professor that I was indeed STRAIGHT. (Note: My professor is a women. Note: I did not really stay after class and make out with my professor.)

Later that night, I did that thing where you carry a practical joke for too long, and then when you try to tell the truth, the person doesn’t believe you.

Ironically, this ALSO had to do with sexuality. Yay!

I was text messaging a girl from one of my classes, and made an offhand comment about how a man approached me flirtatiously and it made me feel uncomfortable. She replied with the typical, “Whatever…you liked it!”

To which I replied….not so typically, “Well yeah. I’m gay.”

She then replied, “OMG NO WAY!? I have tons of gay friends! That’s so cool I could tell the whole time LOL!”

I then thought…wow…that was way too easy. I wonder if I give off a weird vibe or something.

Then I replied, “Just kidding. I’m straight as an arrow.”

Then she said, “Yeaaah right, you don’t have to lie to me lol! I have a gay friend that is lookin for a guy actually. He likes tall guys. You want his number?”

Now I think she’s just messing with me, so I start to kid back.

“Hahaha yeah totally! Only if he is a cutie. Hahahaha.”

She took it seriously.

“Okay his number is 503-849-1621” (note: that is not the real number. I apologize to whoever has this number. You might get a prank call from one of the 1000000000 people that read this.)

I reply, “Hahahha! Man…you’re good. I was just kidding though. I’m straight. As an arrow. Like I said before.”

She replies, “Yeah WHATEVER! Don’t be dumb.”

I reply, “No really. I’m not kidding. Not even a little. I like women. Females.”

She says, “Suuuure. That’s why I always catch you staring at that guys butt in Philosophy? And that’s why you walk the way you do. And your LAUGH! Are you kidding me? You might as well wear a bumper sticker that says ‘boys only’ and keep your playlist of Coldplay and Elton John on repeat!”

I reply…stunned, “Listen…I was KIDDING before. I am a heterosexual man. I don’t know what else to tell you.”

She says, “There’s nothing else to be said. I know how it is, Sean. I know. You don’t need to be ashamed. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Well, class should be interesting.