Things That Make Me Feel Little

"We are all just grains of sand in the beach of life." I remember hearing that once in Kindergarten and it has really stuck with me since. I've always identified with sand...you know...it's grainy, you can make castles out of it, and even though it may LOOK tasty, indeed, it is not very fun to eat.

We are all grains of sand, which is basically a round-about way of saying, "Hey, no matter how important you think you are, odds are, in the grand scheme of things, you are pretty INSIGNIFICANT! Now go fingerpaint!" Then, just incase you think you are the speck of sand that is kinda shiny and significant (See: Bono, Martin Luther King Jr. and Andrew W.K.) the repetitive crashing, violent waves remind us just how little we are. Little, grainy pieces of unappetizing sand.

Here, in bullet lists to cater to all of your feeble-minded short attention spans are a list of things that make everyone feel insignificant, helpless and/or little.

-That person you introduced yourself to seven times, and each time they meet you, they refer to you as "dude," "man," "girl," or, "YOU!" Then after several interactions, when it becomes obvious that this person has no idea what your name is, they say, "What was your first name again?" Like they remember your last name, or maybe middle initial in the first place.

To this, obviously, you will reply, "Your Worst Nightmare," then light them on fire with your eyes. Next time, they will remember your name before they are burnt to a crisp. "HEY YOU!!!"

-Random social interactions.

Like...when you are walking around town and you make eye contact with a seemingly friendly fellow citizen. Next, you might decide it is appropriate to, ya know, smile at them, nod your head, or maybe, if you are a winker, you wink. Of course, this person does not even acknowledge your presence, and as soon as they realize you are smiling at them, they look like they have seen a ghost, and become immediately enamored with the cement at their feet. Next, you realize your attempt at friendliness has been shut down, so you react like any cool-headed human being would.

"HEY! YOU! YOU LOOK AT ME! YEAH! I'M TALKING TO YOU!"

If they still ignore you, insert operation light-enemy-on-fire-with-eyes and hope for the best.

-Unresponsive pets.

Nothing is worse than when the domestic animal that you supposedly control is entirely unresponsive. For example, you call your cat over to sit on your lap. You impliment operation higher-pitch-than-normal-voice, rub your fingers together, and make that weird "tuch-tuch-tuch" sound with your tongue smacking against your pursed up lips. Of course, this cat is either deaf or doesn't care, so the feline ignores you completely, and resumes licking their privates on your couch. YOUR COUCH! In an attempt to re-gain your significance, you say, "OKAY FEE-FEE, that's IT! OFF THE COUCH you little HIGH MAINTAINENCE KITTEN!" Then you take away the cat-nip, and make them chase a laser-pointer, which is actually adorable, and EMPOWERING because you know they can never catch that damn red light. You sit back, eat popcorn, and think about how nice it is to not have a tail. Then you realize you have a tail. Dang. Operation Stare-at-domestic-pet-and-ignite-them-with-fire is in full effect. Just kidding. Don't hurt cats. They are cute.

-Watching Sporting Events, and Being Overly Emotionally Involved

Contrary to popular belief, staring at your High Definition Television, while in the defensive stance does not make your favorite team play better. Nor does wearing your matching outfit, making signs, and eating your "lucky chips and dip" at halftime. Not that I've tried ANY OF THESE THINGS, ya know? I mean...that'd be weird. But yeah, screaming at Ray Allen, encouraging him to miss his 3 pointer usually doesn't work. However! There is hope. I have experienced some success with standing on one foot, reciting an ancient Sioux Indian Tribe hymnal backwards USUALLY results in either a Los Angeles Lakers victory or a thunderstorm.

-Lingering Pubescent Tendencies

You know, that one time you asked an attractive female for their phone number and your voice cracked? And you're 20? Yeah. Those make you feel pretty little. Or maybe it was the time you went to bed with clear, unclogged pores, and you wake up with a city of acne on your chin. What is this, 2003!?!?!? Or maybe it's the fact that your feet and hands are still disproprtionately large compared to your body, you've been having that recurring dream about Jennifer Lopez a lot lately, and you are still the only one of your friends that can hit the high note in that Mariah Carey song.

-Hulk Hands

You are not gigantic, green and capable of destroying buildings. The Hulk Hands are simply teases that maybe you could harness the power of The Hulk for once in your life. It's not going to happen, so please sit down and stop ripping your shirt.

-John Mayer

The combination of his voice and guitar playing skills are a constant reminder to everyone on earth that they are not anywhere as close to as talented as him, and cannot lull a pack of ravenous wolves to sleep by singing. Because he can. Seriously.

Anything else that belittles you? Please do share below! Leave some comments, and let's talk about how inferior we feel!