The Final Destination.

If you breathe, and you claim to be a human being, I am assuming you have seen The Final Destination. 3D. If you haven’t, I assume that you have been living under a rock, and are saving a lot of money on rent and utilities. Whether or not this describes you, I am here to tell you that 3D glasses are NOT safe to protect your eyes from UV rays.

Anyway, I recently saw The Final Destination, which is technically Final Destination 18, but apparently when you put “THE” in front of a sequel, it’s Hollywood language for, “Look, we know we’ve done this over far too many times, but let’s be real: You are still paying money to see these movies. $13.50 to be exact. Unless you aren’t seeing the 3D version. In which case you are lame.”

Don’t believe me? See titles such as, The Fast and Furious. It’s the 4th installment, but because they put THE and Vin Diesel in the film, it makes it okay.

Upon viewing the Great American Classic known as The Final Destination 3D, and having survived various snake attacks, flying screwdrivers, and seeing a dude’s organs get sucked out from his butthole, I found myself feeling lucky to be alive after the film. Like maybe…I cheated death. But as everyone who sees these movies knows, you can’t cheat death. And if you do, you will be killed in a very unlikely chain of events most likely involving fire, a semi-truck, and an attractive looking woman. And a coffee shop. Always coffee shops.

Here’s a sneak peek inside the conference board meeting room when they decided the uh…plot for The Final Destination:

Director: Alright everybody, I know it’s been a while, but I think now that a few years have past, we can all attack this film from the right angle…do what FINAL DESTINATION has never done BEFORE! Are we excited or WHAT!?

Actor 1: Um…yeah…I mean…nothing personal, but these situations aren’t exactly like…everyday things, you know? Like…does anyone actually go to NASCAR Races?

Director: The last thing I need from you is your negativity, Actor 1…Now go do some sit-ups, and work on delivering lines, and not sounding mentally challenged, then come back to me.

Actor 2: I think the death’s are cool and everything, but the script here says one of us is going to die crossing the street. Come on…that’s far too practical. People die like that all the time.

Director 2: Yeah…but do they die like that in 3D!!!!?!?!?!?!?

Actor 1: Well, it’s real life…so yes. It is a 3 dimensional death. I think if you are gonna start killing people off by way of car accident’s…you’ve really lost your touch.

Director 1: THAT’S IT! Actor 1…You are dying from getting your organs sucked out through your butthole. It’s going to happen.

Actor 1: Oh, god. Not this again. You told me last time I was gonna be the guy who got dragged down the street while being lit on fire because I am a racist.

Director 2: Yes. That was your PRIVLEDGE. Now…you get your guts sucked out through your ass. How’s that feel?

Actor 1: I cannot seriously answer that question because that is literally too absurd to begin to comprehend.

Actor 2: Yeah, that’s pretty messed up.

Director 2: Hey…um, that ceiling fan is going kinda fast. Do you think we could turn it down a bit?

Actor 1: Why? Are you cold?

Director 2: No it’s just…uh—

Actor 2: What…SAY IT!

Director 2: It’s just…well…in the movie, the ceiling fan spins out of control, while simultaneously someone slips on a puddle of hair gel, then as they are falling, the ceiling fan has irresponsibly sharp blades, and it decapitates the person. In several pieces. Aaand…I just don’t want that to happen.

(Silence)

Actor 1: THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM SAYING! This kind of shit is NOT believable! Why would a ceiling fan be so damn sharp? And why would there be a puddle of hair-gel on the FLOOR!?

Director 1: The gel is on the floor because the wind spilled it there. Happens all the time.

Actor 3: That did almost happen to me the other day.

Actor 1: You were on set. That’s why it happened. You were filming a movie. That is not real life.
Actor 3: I’m gonna go do sit-ups.

Director 2: Someone turn off that damn ceiling fan. And mop up the hair gel for god’s sake.

Actor 2: I think this meeting needs to be re-scheduled. Plus…I’ve gotta go get my car washed.

Director 2: Make sure to have a bird shit on your window, then get yourself locked in the car, then have the sunroof open while you’re in the car, then stick your head out the sunroof only to get decapitated by the soft, spinny thing that cleans your roof.

(Silence)

Actor 1: Is this how you live your life? Constantly looking for inconspicuous ways for people to die?

Actor 4: This meeting is Horseshit. I am going downstairs, and to do so…I am going to use an escalator.

Director 1: Make sure to not get your shoelace caught in the escalator, then cause the escalator to break, then get dragged in to the gears and motor of the escalator and turned into a slice of cheese with clothes on because you didn’t have the presence of mind to just remove your shoes and jump off the escalator.

Actor 2: Jesus Christ.

Actor 3: That is IT! I am going to a Nascar Race.

Director 3: Make sure that you don’t sit down and have a vision of everyone dying, then get your head chopped off by a flying wheel, but then realize it was just a vision, then get your body crushed by a flying engine, because let’s face it…flying engines are all over at NASCAR races.

Actor 1: Nobody is going to see this movie. And if they do…there will be a very humorous blog written about us by some kid on Facebook.