Things Overheard in the Lunch-line

Standing in line for lunch at Hoke is usually such a pleasent experience, but today, this was not quite the case.

An older man and woman, husband and wife, or old dude wearing cowboy boots, and old lady that looks most likely lesbian, but is married just to throw us off, were standing in the line, being old, and complain-y.

Normally, I am quick to criticize the cafeteria workers, but this couple were taking it to a new level.

I realize most of my blogs include gross overstatements and exaggeration, but everything that i say these people said ACTUALLY HAPPENED*, even though I kinda wish it didn't.

*Mostly.

Old guy turns directly to me, makes eye contact and says in a very angry tone, "Do the students run this fuckin' thing or what?"

Half-asleep, and half wondering if his wife was a male, female, or Hillary Clinton, I didnt respond quickly.

He looked at me again, and said in a much angrier tone, "Do the fuckin' students run this fuckin' thing or what?"

Me, being 19 and awkward and partially retarted due to a tragic knitting accident in my youth, I replied with a giggle, and a shrug of the shoulders.

Little does he know, in my language that means, "Fuck you, and your oddly intimidating masculine partner."

He went on to roll his eyes stomp his cowboy boots, and literally* shit his pants in the lunchline.

*Not literally.

His Husband/wife/designated ass-slapper then turned to him and said "Do you want to go somewhere else for lunch?"

To that, the guy stared her dead in the eye, mostly looking like he wanted to kill her, and part of him looking like he wanted to find out what kind of genetalia she actually posesses and he said, "I want to have sex with you. In front of all these college students. Especially that tall fucker that smiled at me. Then I want to eat some rubber meat and have a salad and discuss our sex session. Right after these RETARDS figure out how to move the line quicker!"

He didn't really say that. His eyes said that, and the fact that his hands had a vice death grip around her waist, but he really said "No, It's fine."

I capitalized RETARDS because it is a COUNTRY in South America, and because he said it very loudy. I capitalize COUNTRY because my Caps lock gets stuck sometimes.

Anyway, the couple was now clearly sexually aroused by this slow moving lunch-line, because Hillary Clinton started slapping this man in the bottom every fifteen seconds or so, whispering things in his ear.

I'm going to assume she was saying "I'm going to make this wait worthwhile. Then im going to show you what LOVE is. Then I'm going to go to the Taco Bar. That was in no way a sexual reference, because I am not Lesbian, even though the kid behind me thinks I am and will probaly write a blog about us in a few hours. Anyway, your butt feels nice in those jeans."

Who knows what was actually said, but whatever it was, it wasn't helping because this guy was still very upset and once he got to the head of the lunchline, the worker at the desk took literally 5 minutes to count out 8 dollars in change.

Thats a 5, and 3 1's.

Or 800 pennies.

Now, the guy turns to his wife, and says "He should fuckin' work at mcdonalds."

She replies to this in the only socially acceptable way, slapping him un-necessarily hard on the posterior and saying "I'd like you to put your meat inbetween my buns. That was also not a sexual reference. I just like the way you build hamburgers. And I am hungry. For your meat. Sorry."

Baffled by the events that just occured, I found myself sending a mass text to all of the cafeteria workers, that read "SPIT in the food of the cowboy-boots man, and his carpet munching wife."

I capitalize SPIT, because the lower case means loogie, and I didn't want it to go that far.

I then turned my attention to another spot in line, to a very fat student proclaiming how much weight he can lift in various different exercises.

Student: I can leg-press 1,000 pounds.

Girl: Oh...

Student: 12 times


I was expecting the next line to be "blindfolded" or "And...I invented gravity."

He then went into great detail about his benchpress and how he crossed the pacific ocean with nothing but a toothpick and an innate ability to tell really exaggerated stories.

I had to intervene, so I leapt to the front of the line, stood between him and this girl, pointed my finger at him, and said "LIAR!"

I capitalize LIAR because it is actually an acronym.

Listen, I Am Reallyhavingahardtimebelievingyourbullshitstories.

I then looked down to realize the old man was not the only person sexually aroused in the lunchline, as I had apparently gotten excited myself, not from the couple's interaction, but from the word "Leg-press."

It's an involuntary thing, and I would appreciate it if you refrain from using that word when around me. Thanks.

I have to go to class, and make up some new acronyms, and get my leg-press going.


Oops.