President of the United Status

With all of the hope and optimism surrounding this big thing everyone keeps talking about, something about egg-noguration, having something to do with the decline of racism in America, and the steady increase of hope and free will to a generation of youth, I find myself cautiously optimistic, sitting in my dorm room, farting, and blogging.

Now I did not see this so called "Thick-Holiday-Beverage-Uration," but from what I understand, Barack Obama took a stance in front of millions of people, looked all of them dead in the eye, and simultaneously started throwing money at all in attendance, hoping this would solve the current economic crisis.

Turns out, he ended up throwing some rolled change in addition to the bills, and as a result, 3/4 of the attendee's are blind, but they are 100 pennies richer.

As far as I'm concerned, he's got my vote. Free money? Who can complain. Inflation? Isn't that what a beach ball does when you blow air into it?

What's that you say? He has already been elected? My bad. La Grande has yet to get electricity, so I am a little behind in all the current events.

...But did you SEE that Superbowl Halftime show? Janet's got some explaining to do! Justin can cry all the rivers he wants for that one!

And I can't believe that Bill Clinton fellow. Ms. Lewinski was such a nice girl.

All jokes aside, this is a wonderful moment for America. I think it might be the second greatest thing to happen in our country, just past the Chia Pet.

Man, that thing is cool.

But not everybody can grow a full head of grass, so we can settle for second-best.

In the aftermath of the Eggnoguration, I have decided that Facebook updates are stupid and should only be used to tell people you have a new blog posted. A blog that is one hundred percent entirely about your life, and some people read it, because you are a sarcastic, tall, human male.

After seeing "Matt Obamalover is "GO OBAMA! WOOH"

And seeing "Matt Obamahater is "Buck Ofama"

And seeing "Matt Whogivesafuck is "Soooo tired of school...Like...why is life so HARD!?"

And "Matt I-am-now-not-so-depressed-and-for-some-reason-i-feel-like-everyone-should-know-this-now is Soooo glad I got an A on my English exam! YES!"

And "Thomas I-dont-know-why-my-space-bar-doesnt-work-and-who-the-hell-has-such-a-long-hard-to-pronounce-last-name is I hate my family heritage."

I decided, Facebook status updates are stupid.

Yet, I look at them. Everyday. And think...WHO CARES? The answer to that question is YOU. YOU care. And so do I. So what do we do to change this unforunate phenomenon?

You give me 20 dollars. Within the next week. I will then change my Facebook status to:

Sean Dart is: Really happy he just earned 300 dollars through persuading people to pay me 20 dollars each over the internet to get rid of Facebook status updates. This is a Facebook status update...Suckers.

Another useful thing to do is to look at your own Facebook profile, and click "view photos of me."

If you are like me, and don't believe in flash photography, you have 48 pictures of yourself on Facebook.

If you are a girl, you have 1 million pictures on Facebook.

And if you are ugly, you do not have a Facebook, because ugly people are poor, and cannot afford the Internet.

Look through the pictures, and take tabs off of unflattering photo's. Then your friend will re-tag you, and you will promptly plant a bomb in their house, as this is the only sufficient way to retaliate.

When you aren't making fun of inaugurations, sending me money, or Facebook-ing, you should study, cuz that's what college is for. That, and having professors that could quite possibly be legally mentally challenged, or maybe a kitten. Kitten professors. Retarted kitten professors. But that's for another blog. If you read this far, I am sorry. It is bedtime. And you should be studying.


To eggnog.