Zoo-Key-Knee Muffins. Floor Licker.

It's a Friday night, and in my typical pre-bedtime web surfing, I found a very interesting video on oregonlive.com.

It is a video of a 5 year old chef who has his own cooking show.

This kid is unreal, check out the link.

He's making Zucchini Chocolate Chip Muffins, which doesn't even sound that great, but considering the fact that I didn't even know what a Zucchini was until Junior year of high school, and the fact I still can't spell Zucchini correctly, this kid is pretty damn impressive.

Arguably the best part of the show is it's title. Kitchen With Food. It's straight forward. Gets to the point. Doesn't mess around.

Probaly the most adorable thing is when he keeps asking his mom for directions while on camera. It is so cute. No Michael Jackson.

"This is...uh...one tablespoon of...uh...salt? Mom what is it? Oh, yeah sugar."

This got me to thinking about childhood in general.

What were you doing when you were 5 years old?

Playing with toys, watching Barney?

As I recall, I had just taken my first steps, I said my first word, "Zucchini" and I was still breast feeding.

Meanwhile, this little punk is a miniature Bobby Flay, hosting his own food channel, and making food with ingredients that I can't even spell.

When I was 5, I was watching Power Ranger episodes, and i got my foot stuck in a Ninja Turtle toy car, because I was trying to Rollerblade like the people in the Power Rangers episode. All I got was alot of soap on my foot, and a lasting experience. Since then, I have yet to put my foot in any toy cars of any kind.

Thanks Power Rangers.

Anyway, I have decided I am going to marry very young, and find an ideal breeding partner also known as 'wife' and hopefully she is masterful in the kitchen, because my new goal in life is to raise a mini chef that will make me lots and lots of money.

Rachel Ray seems ideal, but I could possibly settle for Paula Dean, or maybe Candace Parker. You can teach cooking. You can't teach 6'4.


Anyway, throughout this time in the vacant dorms at EOU i have discovered several things about myself.

I am really good at keeping myself company. If you give me Facebook, a good NBA game, a guitar, and some rubber gloves, I can make a good time for a good 3-4 hour period of complete lonlienss.

Also, I discovered i am terrible at grocery shopping. I spend way too much money, and buy way too much food.

It's kind of like the Y2K scare, where everyone stocked up on food, cuz they thought the world was ending. That's what I did, except there was no Y2K scare, there was just a week without Hoke Cafeteria. God save us all.

The best part about grocery shopping is the different kind of people you have encounters with. And oddly enough, it seems like you find certain people in certain aisles.

For example, I was for some odd reason in the "Hamburger Helper Aisle" and there was a mother with two children. One 3 year old and one that looked to be about 11 or 12. The 12 year old was on her cell phone, and the 3 year old was licking the ground of the undoubtedly squeaky clean Safeway floor. The mother was enfuriated that her 3 year old would do such a thing, cuz he would totally know better.

Then right as she was about to repremand him, her attention drifted elsewhere.

"Hey! Get away from th....oooooh, 5 cheese pasta-roni!? With Meatballs!"

Then the most classic part about it all, was that the mother then assigned her 11 year old daughter to have the responsability of keeping the 3 year old from licking the floor.

"Hey, would you take care of him?"

Then the daughter, half asleep texting on her cell phone says yes, only to stop what she is doing halfway through, because her phone vibrated.

I can't imagine what this 3 year old floor licker will end up being.

My first guess is he will either be a drug dealer, or a box of hamburger helper.

I hope for all our sakes, he becomes a dealer.

Now that I have all this downtime, I think I will brush up on my cooking skills, so I can give this 5 year old a run for his money. However, I don't think audiences would find a 6'7 18 year old mispronouncing Zucchini and mistaking sugar for salt quite as adorable.

But I am really good at baby talk, and with all the technology out there, I figure you could easily take 10-15 years off my life, especially if I am on my knees.

No Michael Jackson.