Rodent's, Potions, and other things that embarrass me

http://video.yahoo.com/network/100000086?v=5017561&l=100000085

Please watch this video before reading this blog. If you are like me, you are in college, with an abundance of spare time, no homework and internet access.

These 3 things add up to equal one common denominator: INTERNET VIDEOS.

I have become mildly addicted to them in the last few weeks of my college experience, as my classes are less and less demanding, and my time is more and more free to do pointless things.

I wouldn't consider it a waste of time, but I would consider it most often hilarious, and at times, utterly excellent.

I am assuming by now you have watched the above video in it's entirety and you are probably wiping away tears of laughter, compassion and love.

BUT hold on...don't get too squirrel friendly just yet. I have made that mistake. Allow me to explain.

Last week, I was walking to class, and as I left the dorms, I saw a squirrel much like the one in the video. Except it was more brown than grey. That is completely irrelevent.

Anyway, this squirrel was staring into the glass reflection created by the door that is the main entrance to the dorms, and this little guy was repeatedly hurdling himself into the glass barrier, over and over, falling on it's back, squirming, jerking, and repeating the process.

Dozens of students looked on, myself included, and the genereal response was "What the fuck is that squirrel doing?"

The squirrel then replied, "I am insane," and went on to jump into the glass more.

Before any of us could comprehend what the hell was exactly happening, I took a step forward to attempt to discourage the squirrel from eventually killing itself by this repeated act, and it looked up, looked terrified, and ran off.

Mission accomplished. Squirrel saved.

As I strolled off into the distance, I recieved a couple dirty looks, and a few bottles of chew-spit thrown at me...but I knew PETA would be proud.

This was...until about 200 yards later, outside of Loso Hall.

I came to an encounter with another squirrel. Brown, with a tail, and other squirrel-like features. Perhaps the crazy squirrels brother. Perhaps it's sister. Perhaps it was my sister. Perhaps this squirrel wasn't even a squirrel, but a robot-squirrel that could evaporate my body-matter with it's lazer vizion. Most likely all of these things, this adorable little fella was staring at me for a good 20 feet before I started to approach it gradually.

I got about 15 feet from it...on the sidewalk...making DIRECT eye contact with me.

I don't know if you have ever made eye contact with a squirrel before, but it's kind of like walking in on your parents having sex, and then getting your eyeballs pierced and slit with razor blades in front of 10 of your closest friends.

Okay...it's nothing like that...but it's definitely weird.

I am now standing 8 feet away from this little booger, and he continues to stare at me. I stop in my tracks, feeling like Mark Wahlberg in "The Happening," but probably less good looking and better at acting...and I started looking around to people to see if they saw what was happening.

Nobody cared to pay attention, so I remained still, and then the squirrel started walking towards me. Which is when the urine started dripping down my left thigh.

I was scared. Terrified. Mostly confused.

Now that the squirrel was inches from my Sanuk Slip-on's, people started paying attention. A couple female humans that I hadn't made acquiantance with yet started laughing at me, probably mistaking me for Mark Wahlberg and expected me to start rapping.

Then I looked at the girls, and said, "Aren't they supposed to be afraid of us?" Then I started laughing.

They exchanged a polite smile, but were most likely thinking, "shut up...you pussy."

Now the squirrel starts sniffing my shoes, and I started wondering if I had forgotten to take my slice of swiss cheese out of my shoes. I NEVER forget to take that damn cheese out. How could I have failed this ONE time? What are the odds?

Turns out I didn't have swiss cheese in my shoe, or a rare toe-fungus, or squirrel feed in my sock...but I did scream like a pre-pubescent girl when this little critter touched my ankles.

Much to the delight of the on-looking peers, and their brutal laughter, the squirrel finally ran off after I gave it an ever intimidating "OH MY GOD...LIKE....OMG! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" and strolled into the palpable embarrassment created by that little bastard.

Since then, I haven't exposed my body to sunlight, or exchanged verbal communication with anyone besides my pet squirrel that will eventually be dinner, and I am emotionally scarred to say the least.

It was later reported on campus that someone had supplied a select few squirrels a potion that consisted of:

-Dragon Scales
-Peach Vodka
-The ear of one unfortunate EOU student
-Steamed Gypsy Blood
-Cured Ham Slices
-The urine of 1,000 fertile kittens

OBVIOUSLY, I met the 2 squirrels that were most impacted by this potion, and that's why they smelled my ankles and ruined my social life.

I have since obtained this potion, and posess it to use WHENEVER I PLEASE.

So think of that next time you are reading my blog and think "god this kid is a faggot," because I WILL FIND YOU and I will syphon this mixture into your morning glass of Orange Juice.