Things I am good at...

I have become increasingly good at several pointless things during my ''light'' spring schedule in college.

For example, I have recently tried this concept called ''shaving,'' which apparently people do once they reach something called "puberty," all terms that I am not yet familiar with.

I decided "manual-shaving" was the best way to go, because I heard it's a great way to get razor burns and cut yourself so it becomes embarrasingly apparent that I suck at shaving. I have gotten really good at both the former, and the latter.

Some of you reading this might say...well Sean, maybe it's because you don't have facial hair, and you are simply just skimming off layers of skin to make yourself feel more masculine than you are, you pussy.

To that, I would say, get your camera out of my lap-top, and stop spying on me.

Another skill I have acquired is how to deal with RA's who are automatically better than me because they have the ability to close the communal kitchen and write on white-boards.

I've had a couple run-in's with my RA's recently. And when I say run-in, I mean I charged as fast as I could into their wall, and they got really upset about it. It was weird.

Actually...I have become REALLY good at locking myself out of my room. It's always an excellent feeling slamming your door shut, going to class and realizing that you have no way of getting back in. Awesome.

So, everytime it happens, I pull out my Blow-Torch, and try to melt the door handle off, so I can get in, but then the RA comes in and they are like...um...Sean...blow torches are NOT allowed in the dorms. This is the last time I will tell you this.

To that, I respond, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH," and run at them with my blow-torch, because I don't like it when I am interrputed whilst Blow-Torching.

Getting locked out of your own room is always like a puzzle, or a game of chess, or a puzzle-chess game, and instead of using Pawns and Kings, you are using dog-feces, and if you win, you get an unfriendly scowl, depending on what RA you beg to let you into your room.

I have decided to rotate between a few nice RA's and try to avoid the 'un-nice' RA's at all costs...except for one time I forgot my key INTO the building, and an un-nice RA greeted me, briefly mocked me as I knocked on the glass window while it was hailing outside, and a Tornado was approaching.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! LET ME IN! IT'S COLD. AND TORNADOES ARE VERY RARE, BUT DEVASTATING!"

"I HATE YOU. I will let you in. But I will do so in a very un-welcoming fashion, while I hold a clipboard and I will ask for your name and room number and name, and pretend to write down important stuff, but I will really be drawing an immensly detailed sketch of my kicking the shit out of you, you stupid freshman."

"Also, I will not open this door, because I am an ass. And you must go around and use the door 20 feet to the left, because I hate my life and it's your fault. Also, I will proceed to blame you for everytime the Kitchen smells bad, you faggot."

"Harsh words, but thank you very much all-mighty-royal RA...please...may I kiss your feet?"

"Yes, yes you may, but first...promise me you will never use a blow-torch again."

"NEVER! I ran off into the distance, and there was later a mysterious pile of dog-feces reported in her hall the next day. Somebody must have been playing chess.

MWWWWAAHAHAHAHAHA!

All joking aside, 2 kids were arrested from my dorms this week for stealing Xbox games, DVD's controllers, and my baby from the storage closet. Upon being caught red-handed, the guys turned back the Xbox games and electronics, but insisted that the baby was in-fact not a REAL human, but a cabbage-patch-kid. Obviously, they were heavily under the influence of gasoline, alcohol and kleptomania, so I took a step back, showed them my Angelina-Jolie cut-out, AKA MOMMY, and they apologized for the mis-understanding.

But seriously...these kids seriously stole alot of shit and are now in jail. I would love to give some more completely inaccurate details about this REAL event, but this is a LEGAL matter, so I cannot further comment, other than to say I love my cabbage patch son, and he needs to clean his room or else I am going to hit him and never feed him again.