Poop

When a college student walks in after his 9 a.m. class to see the room has a lingering stench of poop and notices the windows are open in the 40 degree weather, and a Febreeze mist bottle is on the floor, one could be very curious.

Curious, I was.

Furious, I would become.

I was the unfortunate victim of the bathroom bandit.

I opened the bathroom door to find the fan on, surface wipes scattered about the counter, and an unfortunate mass of human feces covering the once-sanitary toilet and it's surrounding area.

Seeing shit on the floor was normal enough, until my roommate emerged from the depths of our dormitory, with an exhausted and appauled look on his face.

"Fuck dude...dude...I don't even know. "

"What the fuck happened dude?"

"Fuck...somebody shit and plugged the toilet...and just LEFT IT THERE! Fuck dude...fuck thisI tried to clean it up...Fuck this...I don't know, I am going to class."

Partially laughing, and partially gagging on the overwhelming scent of human waste mixed with cheap air freshener, I paced around the dorm for a few minutes, thinking of ways that I would NOT have to get down on all 4's and clean this atomic wasteland of shit.

I concluded there was no way anybody would clean it unless I forced one of my smaller suitemates to do it, perhaps use their hair as a mop.

So, I removed my clothing in fear of it getting shit-stained, knelt down in nothing but my old basketball shorts, and indulged.

Let us pause for a moment to reflect on previous times I have been mysteriously left to clean up shit. Those of you who know me--you will probably remember this. Those of you who don't know me--why are you reading this?

Freshman year of high school at a team basketball camp, some small school thought it would be funny to SHIT in the showers, instead of using the TOILET like a normal person.

Unfortunately, they shit in the showers on OUR level, so the camp counselors thought it was our team, even though I assured them that we are Aliens, and we simply do not produce waste.

They weren't buying the excuse, so our coach came in with a dust pan and a broom and said, "who's gonna do it?"

As practically the whole team raced to him, I beat everyone to the front and won the gift that keeps on giving: cleaning up poop!

Long story short, I got hungry and the job ended up easier than I thought it would be, SO EASY, that I would do a very SIMILAR job 4 years later, when I was working at a golf course.

I cleaned up shit off of the walls in the womans bathroom, basically swimming in human waste while my co-workers ate chili at my boss's house, which was on the golf course.

Sounds bad enough, right?

WRONG.

It was TURKEY chili! I love TURKEY CHILI!

I, however, do NOT love cleaning up shit off of the walls in a public restroom.


So, that brings us to today, where I used 32 surface wipes and 1 and 1/2 rolls of toilet paper and 3/4 of a can of disinfectant toilet bleach to clean up the Bathroom Bandit's doing.

It took me 30 minutes, and I have callouses on my knees and fingers, but it builds character, and I permanently smell like sulfur, which is nice.

This whole thing was relatively ordinary, until I started to wonder who was at fault...

Whose shit was I picking up and shoveling into a trash bag?

The only person in our room who used that toilet this morning was me, and i pooped, and flushed like normal with no problem. It was a completely normal shit.

I asked my suitemates, and they told me they were Aliens and do not produce waste, which actually makes sense now that I think about it, so they couldn't be at fault...

So....

CLEARLY, a very large person stumbled into our room in a drunken daze somewhere between 8:30 and 10:00 a.m. and they have a particular vendetta for me.

The Bathroom Bandit thought, "Man...I realy need to drop the kids off right now. Where can I do this? Oh...room 215? With that big tall basketball playing faggot? Cool. I am going to take a disproportionately large shit in his toilet, use an un-necessarily large amount of toilet paper, flush it just enough so my waste is bubbling at the brim, wash my hands with his very pleasent smelling hand soap...Lavender Plum I believe...and then LEAVE, in a flash! He will never catch me! For I am the BATHROOM BANDIT.....MMMWWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA."

Obviously, this happened, and while I was daydreaming this completely hypothetical yet undeniably real situation, I noticed a note on the door that had been there all along.

I suddenly realized why my roommate, who attempted to clean up the entire mess, was a little upset.

The note (which is now hanging on our wall) read EXACTLY:

Whoever plugged the toilet, I have 3 things 4 you.

1.) Learn how to shit.

2.) Finish cleaning the bathroom.

3.) If you ever clog the toilet again and leave it I WILL KILL YOU. Have no mistake that I will hunt your inconsiderate ass down.

(Page 2)

Also,
You owe me an hour of my life you Fuck Hole. If hte bathroom has not been thoroughly cleaned by my next poop then I will shit in your bed.

-Love, Robert.


Needless to say, the Bathroom Bandit obviously read this note after doing the deed, and shit himself. Literally.

Obviously, we have gone approximately 12 hours with no reported Bathroom Bandit sightings, so either I took an unusually large poop this morning and didn't realize I plugged it, our toilet is cheap and backed up, or a man with a gigantic rectal capacity, wearing a costume that looks eerily similar to the Hamburgular came in and used our toilet one time, until he read this very intimidating note and will never be seen again.

Either way, tell a friend, save yourself, and please...please god do not let the Bathroom Bandit strike again.