The benefits of being a 65 year old man.

Everyone remembers their first word. It's usually a telling factor to how the rest of your life will end up.

If your first word is "depression" or "Pre-nup," you should probaly see a shrink, and if your first word is "mama" or "dada," join the freaking club.

If you are top heavy, unathletic, and awkwardly proportioned, and your first word has anything to do with sports. Grab an Ice-bag, and be prepared for a rapid aging process.

My first word was "Ball."

It's so adorable right? College basketball player's first word is "Ball."

It's got to be fate.

Little did I know, the entirety of that phrase was, "Orange leather ball makes me have knee surgery and not able to bend over to change the shower mat."

Me no like Ball.

It's not all bad though, "ball" is getting me a college education, physical fitness, fun, and callouses on the bottom of my feet that resemble Egyptian Hieroglyphics.

In the life and times of a "learning" freshman 6 foot 7 210 pound NAIA college post, there are many perks to having joints that are 3 times my own age.

-I have a sweet line six inches above my ankle where my hair has just stopped growing. I pass it off as a bi-product of the time I saved a baby from a burning building. "The fire may have took my ankle hair, but I kept my dignity." In reality, it's really because i cant walk ten feet without rolling an ankle, consequently, I have a personal athletic trainer who tapes me every night before bed, just incase.

- You could circle the world six times with all the athletic tape i have used. Or make a lifesize tape-doll model of Shaquille O'neal. I always found it funny how it's called athletic tape. If I were athletic, I wouldn't be jamming a finger during lay-up lines. They should call it "un-coordinated white-kid tape."

- Ice packs are cool. Plus you get to know the athletic trainers really well. I have a theory that every athletic trainer secretly hates their job. If I had to touch sweaty feet all day, I'd be complaining too.

- Dwyane Wade wears knee sleeves.

- Advertisers love to market the Kurt Rambis re-incarnation. I have endorsements lined up from Donjoy and ACE all the way to Metamucil and Depends.

- Everyday events, like stubbing your toe, or tripping on the curb feel like full body massages compared to the thousands of needles penetrating my joints every step i take.

- Nobody expects you to dunk, so if you jump extra high on a layup, maybe double-clutch, or slap the backboard, the referee actually awards you 5 points, because the dude who's wearing zebra stripes, is 4 foot 6 and balding has better joints than you do, and he feels bad for you. Thanks, Joe

- Custom in-soles and ankle braces add inches to your roster height. I'm actually 6'2. But the Battle Armor i put on everyday leads people to believe I can actually play the post. I am awarded with a scholarship.

- Chicks dig the dropstep. Once you master the footwork fundamentals, the ladies can't get enough. No, thanks, I can't dance, but i could seal the hell out of you on the block.

Jump hook, 2 points Sean.

I could do this all day, but my dentures are done being cleaned, and I need to start stretching now, for my 6 o clock practice, cuz if I don't, that hip is poppin' straight out.

Ah, you caught me. I'm lying.

Matlock is on.

Go Mounties!