If you PRETEND to like this blog, you WILL!

Two days after I finished my first year of college, I checked my student E-mail to have a new message sent to every student regarding graduation.

The message was titled "Safe Rides Being Offered Graduation Night."

I read into it, and saw that the community was reaching out to make sure there was no drinking and driving on the night of graduation, and everyone gets home safe. What they failed to mention was the peculiar nature of the ride home:

"The service will be running from approximately 9pm and then continue throught the night. To contact the ride service, call 962-5022. Please note that this is the Loveland's Funeral Home answering service but if you tell them you need a ride, they will dispatch a vehicle to pick you up."

That's right.

A funeral home service giving rides to drunken college kids.

Allegedly* in an effort to retain business in this slouching economy, Loveland Funeral Home actually charged 10$ per decimal point that the graduate was above the .08 legal limit.

As some would expect, this led to some problems.

College Graduate: Yeah, um, I'm gonna need a safe ride home...This is Loveland Funeral Home Service right?

Grim Reaper: Yes...yes it is. Just exactly how many have you had tonight?

College Graduate: Oh, I've only had a few. I'm fine really...I was just playing it safe, ya know?

Grim Reaper: (Disappointed sigh)

CG: Well, I mean...I'm pretty tipsy. Um...one more thing, are you guys gonna send a Hearse or what? I mean it's kinda weird that this is a funeral service turned taxi-cab for drunk college kids, ya know?

Grim Reaper: Look, KID, don't question our process. Now get back to drinking, and call us when you have a REAL PROBLEM. MMMMWWWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

(Silence)

This conversation may or may not have ACTUALLY taken place, but if you can't find the humor in it, then you have no pulse, and you are most likely the Grim Reaper...in which case I would like to apologize for patronizing you on my internet-diary. Please don't steal my bones.

In the last 3 days, I have come to the conclusion that packing isn't that fun, and that re-packing, and packing again is less fun.

However, there is something relatively joyous about leaving college. Reflecting fondly of the times shared, the annoyances, the laughter, it all comes together in one fabulous collective memory.

Everyone is much nicer in the last 2 days of college, mostly because everyone is elated to not see eachother anymore, so subsequentially, everyone is nice to eachother.

Everyone is nice to eachother, because they hate eachother, and don't want to see eachother for the whole summer...so they're nice to eachother.

Once this starts making sense, that's how I know I've officially become a bad person.

I promised myself that I would not fall into this trap, but in the home-stretch of my first college year, I found myself being NICE to people.

PEOPLE who I do not LIKE.

But I was nice to them...because I didn't have to SEE them anymore...which makes me a BASTARD!

Then I took a step back and realized that all great friendships are started by PRETENDING to like the person that will soon become your "friend".

Once you pretend for so long, you can actually fool yourself to like the person, even though you DESPISE THEIR VERY EXISTENCE.

If you are reading this, shaking your head, rolling your eyes, and rubbing your tummy, stop rubbing your tummy, cuz that's weird. And stop rolling your eyes because YOU KNOW THAT YOU DO IT TOO...SO STOP PRETENDING...YOU PRETENDER!

This is not to say that we do not genuinely like our friends, this is just to say that at first impression, we are all cynical assholes who write internet-blogs, so we must pretend to like eachother, in order to eventually ACTUALLY like eachother.

It's science, really.

And if you refute science, you are Satan, and you should stop reading this blog right now, because if you are satan, and you are sitting at a lap-top, chances are it is a Mac, and you are burning and cursing it, because you are hot, and you are satan, and Mac's are very expensive...so stop that. Stop that right now.


In hindsight, I am now successfully moved out of "heaven," AKA "the dorms," and in an odd way, I miss the lingering stench, the Rockband at 4 a.m. and the pestering from the RA's.

Oh, did I say "miss?" Weird...cuz I meant I am sincerely elated that I never have to live in the communal toilet known as North Hall ever again.

But, in the event that I have to...I will PRETEND to like it for the first 2 months, until I successfully brain-wash myself to actually liking it, and then when I need a ride home, I WILL NOT call the funeral home service, because I will live on campus. Which is convenient, and assures NO confrontation with the Grim Reaper.

Because that guy is a money-hungry, blood-thirsty asshole.

"Loveland's Funeral Service do you plan to die today? How may I help you?"