Decision 2009: Subway and more of life's complexities

If you are like me, you've spent 5 hours in a car by yourself this weekend, and you've realized how nit-picky you are, and how you hate standing in sandwich lines.

Assuming we are on the same page, let's converse.

Today I was in line for a submarine sandwich at a popular restaurant chain, commonly known as Subway.

The man in front of me had evidently never heard of the word Sub, -Way, or Bread in his life.

"Hello sir, how may I help you today?"

Man: (Slightly yelling) "Yeah can i get that crunchy bread? Bread that's crunchy on top."

(Silence from the Subway worker...)

Man: "Uuuuughhh....uh...just give me like a...uh sourdough or somethin',"

"We don't carry sourdough sir, would you like Italian Herb and Cheese, Honey Oat, Wheat, White or Parmesean Oregano?"

Man: (Visibly upset that Subway would DARE have so many bread options, let alone not offering Sourdough. You bastards.) "Oh...jesus...um....sure...white. I'll take 3 white footlongs. Club Sandwiches."

"Okay sir, would you like cheese on these sandwiches? And what kind?"

"Provolone on one. American on the other. And swiss on the other."

"Sorry sir, we have no swiss."

Man: (under his breath) "You've gotta be fucking kidding me."

"Um...sorry sir, would yo-"

"PROVOLONE. Provolone on the 3rd one."

"Okay sir, would you like them toasted?"

"No"

"But...you said you wanted the 'crunchy-bread'. I think toasting the bread will make it crunchy."

"(Offended that anyone would question his sandwich-construction") Yeah...and you didn't have sourdough. God Damnet."

Meanwhile I have bitten a quarter of an inch through my tongue, and blood is spilling down my chin and neck, trying to not say anything that will make me this man's wall ornament at home. I tried my hardest, and was extra polite to the cashier, meanwhile I was pondering how hard ordering a sub-sandwich really could be.

Then...it was on to the veggie section. The god forsaken veggie section.

"Would you like some veggies on this sandwich sir?"

"Ugh...I dunno...Are there veggies on club sandwiches?"

"Yes...usually sir."

"Gimme some lettuce."

"Anything else?"

"Yeah...some uh....some....uh....some..."

At this very moment, I gripped a pen and was ready to puncture this man's voicebox with the blunt end, in fear that he might actually take 30 seconds to say the word OLIVES.

"Gimme some olives."

The sandwich artist made the biggest mistake of her life...

"Um...sir...usually club sandwiches don't come with olives."

The man's brain actually exploded inside of his head, and started dripping out of his ears as his cheeks blushed red, and he muttered the most intelligent come-back to date.

"THIS ONE DOES."

Oh god, somebody get the olives...QUICK!

Needless to say, the guy ended up getting every possible vegetable possible, even asking for mushrooms...which they obviously do not have, and even more obviously do NOT go on club sandwiches.

He then proceeded to ask for "Um...Uh...Ordinary" potato chips and complain about them being priced 99 cents as opposed to 1 dollar, because this random Subway man evidently hates pennies.

When the cashier handed him the change, 3 pennies, the man asked "What are these for?"

In my day-dream, the cashier replied "To shove up your ass, sir," and hopped over the counter, and beat him to a pulp with the "EXTRA-crunchy bread," While I coreographed a High-School-Musical like dance that ended with me filling my car up with gas for free because the workers were all doing the can-can over random subway guys unconcious body.

In real life, she said "It's your change," and the random subway guy snickered angrily and accused the cashier of pocketing the money he'd handed to her.

I politely asked for spinach and no Mayo on my footlong, and proceeded to hopefully forget this moment forever.

Until the woman behind me asked for specifically 4 jalapenos and exactly 2 tomatoes on her sandwich. She then asked for a "Pinch" of cucumbers, and had a look of disgust when the sandwich artist gave her a pinch-and-a-half.

I can understand her turmoil. I was once served a pinch-and-a-half of salt, and proceeded to grow into an adult female who was very particular about her serving portions.

Anyway, I got in my car and sped off towards the sunset with a new appreciation and respect for Sandwich artists and Crunchy Bread everywhere. Except there was no sunset, because the deep black clouds were pissing all over my windshield, and people who work at Subway should go to college.

Anybody that has gone to high school has seen the kid who graduated a year or 2 or 5 ago, and still attends all school related functions, and takes the new hot-sophomores out to lunch, even though they are 15 and he is illegal, and pumping gas for her dad's porsche.

You know exactly who I am talking about, and you know that you would rather die than be this person.

This weekend I was back in Bend for the first non-break (Spring, Winter) related occasion. Just a random weekend to be home, and the entire time it was a total and complete covert operation.

I was going to great, borderline ridiculous lengths to NOT be that sophomore-dating-gas-pumping alumni. Although I did hang out with several 16 year olds, and did carry around a Squigee and Gas Pump just for looks, I did a pretty good job staying out of the public eye...mainly high school's eye.

UNTIL...I realized Bend is not a very large town, and I was spotted by several former peers, and inadvertantly took them out to lunch. Ooops.

That last part was a joke, obviously, because I was dressed in Camoflauge the entire time, in fear of being asked the question "Aren't you supposed to be in college?"

To that, I would respond "You must feel very, very dumb right now. You are talking to a bunch of twigs, and a tree stump. Can't you tell by my outfit?"

They would then check themselves into a mental institute, because the bush and twigs are talking to them. Sad, sad story.

Anyway, I am never going back to Subway, or Bend ever again, because gas prices suck, and I haven't even SEEN high-school-musical.

Um.....uh......um....uh....gimme olives.