Shaq Daddy

A week after Shaq announced his retirement via Twitter, I'm sitting here in a mildly depressed state.

I'm watching an 8 minute compilation highlight film of Shaquille O'neal, which is fine. He's dunking, being 7'1 330 lbs, and smiling while he destroys inferior human beings on the basketball court. Like, actually, as we speak (write) he is a human wrecking ball, annihilating any and every object between himself and rim.

Basically, it's his career summed up in 8 minutes, minus Phoenix, Cleveland and Boston. Nobody wants to remember that. OR MAYBE THEY DO. Did you know Shaq made the 2009 All-Star team? Did you know that he was 36 when that happened? Did you know that Shaq was A LOT more fun to watch when he was young, running, jumping, and sometimes LITERALLY dunking other humans through basketball hoops?

He did all of those things. Now I am watching them. Here are the things I think while I watch. Here's the video. Follow along.

-Shaq just dribbled the ball the length of the court, and dunked the ball with such force that my right arm now hurts. The man is 7 feet tall and over 300 lbs. Do you KNOW WHAT THAT IS LIKE? Because I don't and I really wish I did. Maybe I will ask Shaq.

-His response would probably be something in a really deep voice like "Man, it's coo," then we'd become best friends.

-While Shaq and I are best friends, he would give me a sick nickname like he gave himself 372 times over the course of his career.

-I think my nickname would be "the big, little, less massive diesel."

-I am awful at nicknames.

-Especially compared to Shaquille O'neal.

-He just dunked on Rik Smits. But who hasn't, really?

-He just stared into the camera.

-He looks hungry.

-I am terrified.

-I should mention right now, I put the YouTube volume on mute, and instead, I am listening to Death Cab For Cutie's Transatlanticism. "We Looked Like Giants" is too fitting. The other tracks work well too. Shaq dunking on some dude's head seems way cooler when words like "perpherated sphere" highlight his, well, highlights.

-Shaq just made David Robinson look like a ragdoll. Nobody does that.

-Remember when people thought Arvydas Sabonis could guard Shaq? And by "people," I mean, "Blazer Fans," notoriously the most passionate, and least knowledgable sports fans in the galaxy.

-Scott Pollard's bleached goatee is still awful. He looks like the lead singer of Sugar Ray, whose name fortunately slips my mind at the moment.

-Mark Mcgrath. Damnit.

-If I hadn't watched Shaq his whole career, I'd assume all he ever did is dunk.

-Oh, wait.

-Scott Pollard decided a headband would be better.

-Scott Pollard is a bad decision maker.

-"I need you so much closer," Death Cab, on "Transatlanticism,"

-"I'd like it if you were further away from me most of all of the time on the basketball court," -Shaq's opposition.

-"Get the F**k out of my way," Shaq, to everyone.

-Kobe misses an easy lay-in, Shaq cleans it up for a dunk. Think Shaq had anything to do with the editing? "Kobe, how my a** taste?" Hahaaahaa!

-Shaq did a 360 dunk. In the open court.

-SHAQ DID A 360 DUNK. IN. THE. OPEN. COURT.

-He just pulled down an entire basketball fixture.

-Remember when it was cool to shatter the backboard?

-Shaq's turn around jump hook was unstoppable. You can't ever say he never had moves, Blazer fans, I am looking at you, you IDIOTS.

-Shaw-Shaq-Redunktion. Seriously gives me chills. If you know what this is, please please god leave a comment. If you don't, GROW UP, and GOOGLE IT.

-Shaq was so good in Miami. I blocked this out of my memory.

-Okay, too perfect..."Old age is just around the bend, I can't wait to go gray,"-Death Cab, Sound of Settling, as it pans to Shaq's latter years in Miami. COME ON PEOPLE!

-Shaq should have won the MVP in 2005-06 as well. Sorry, Steve Nash...love ya, but come on.

-Chris Mihm cannot guard Shaq.

-Chris Mihm cannot guard most people.

-Chris Mihm just got beat off the dribble by my oven.

-Shaq just dunked on Shawn Bradley. See (Rik Smits).

-Shaq wore a 6-inch wristband on his right forearm, so his bone would stop bruising from violently colliding with the rim. A functional sweatband? I wish I was kidding.

-It's the same reason Lebron James wore a headband. So his ego didn't literally explode past the limits of his own inflated head. We wouldn't want DIVA BRAINS smeared all over the court.

-Lebron James is the best player in the NBA. Sigh.

-I actually forgot that Shaq played in Cleveland. I just went back to the top of my blog to add it. Whoops.


-The Superman Strut. Nostalgia.

-Shaq...Most underrated passer of all time? Yeah.

-Matt Geiger. Anyone remember him? hahahaha.

-Todd McCullogh. I just realized I've spent half of this post making fun of white dudes Shaq dunked on.

-I just realized Shaq made a career of dunking on white guys.

-Video's done, but his legacy lives on. Plus, there's still at least three more seasons of "Shaq Versus" to look forward to, and his Twitter account will never die.

-Also, he is rumored to become a Poiceman now that he's retired. If you are caught speeding, he will curl you up into a ball, dunk you, then put you between two slices of bread and devour you.

-If you are a white guy over 6'10, he'll probably just leave you alone. He's done way too much to you already. Long. Live. Shaq Daddy.