I put the EYE in Intercourse.

Believe it or not, I have recently had some partially awkward run-in's with humans of the female gender, A.K.A "Girls."

I was simply strumming on my guitar when an unwanted intruder entered my dormatory via the common entrance A.K.A "Front Door." My security system went off, and a loud, robotic voice repeated "Intruder alert, Intruder alert, Intruder alert," which usually scares people off, especially people of the female gender. If this repellent fails me, I usually resort to plan B A.K.A "Pepper Spray," or "Excessive and Abrupt Flatulance," but my tummy was empty, as was my can of pepper spray, so the female specimen proceeded into my dormatory.

Before pissing myself in fear, I was able to hit her (not literally) with the most effective pick up line I use on a regular basis, "What the fuck do you want, and why didn't my elaborate security system scare you off, you asshole?"

"Um....I....um....I'm moving...and I was wondering if you had a box or a bag that I could use to carry some of my stuff to my new room...please?"

Feeling slightly bad about coming off so strong, and causing myself to have a hernia after I forced so many dry-heave failed-fart's, I decided to be kind to this human female, and ask her if a cardboard box I had would work.

She looked at me, and I swear to Allah, 110% accurate, she looked me dead in the eyes, and had sex with me right there, via EYE CONTACT.

I had heard about it in movies many times, as I recall a line from a certain motion picture saying, "dude, she eye-fucked the shit out of you."

Indeed, I had been Eye-Fucked.

It was the most humbling experience of my life. She said the simplest thing, I think it was "Yeah, that works. Thank you!" Yet it was so obviously inappropriate to engage in intercourse with me, from ACROSS the dorm, AFTER breaking in through my security system.

I felt 50% violated, 20% aroused, and 100% confused.

Some would say that adds up to 170%.

I would say, I'm in Math 105, and I just got sexually assaulted in the comfort of my own dorm.

I changed the couch cushions, apologized to my roommates, and it was time to move on.

So move on I did.

HOWEVER, the next day would present a similar problem.

As I was in the learning center, A.K.A place where I am supposed to study, but usually blog and check on my fantasy team, a student tour was being conducted, and a particularly handsome* woman walked in through the doorway, much like in the previous case. Except this time, she broke no security system., which was ok with me.

Anyway, I started staring at her, and I knew I was staring, and I was thinking to myself, "Hey Sean, you creepy bastard. you should probaly stop staring, because that is creepy. You creepy bastard."

My mind was telling me "No" but my body, like R. Kelly says, was "telling me yes."

So, I listened to my body, and I just continued staring at her. Then she made eye contact with me, most likely thinking to herself "Why the hell would I want to come to this school. So 6'7 kids in purple T-Shirts can stare at me while I try to do math homework? What the hell is this kid doing? Is that drool?"

Indeed, I was sitting in a puddle of my own drool, but that is BESIDES the point. The point is, we are in love, and it was love at first sight.

I continued staring, and she ended up looking back several times, and I was getting the vibe that my stares went from "Creepy" to "He's kinda cute" to "He's smiling at me, I think I will smile back," and then it happened AGAIN!

AGAIN!

We locked eyes for the third time in a magical 30 second span, and I swear to Allah, 110% her and I engaged in activities inappropriate for the learning center via EYE CONTACT from 20 feet away!

I'm not going to lie, I initiated the "eye-sex" this time around, mostly cuz I wanted to see if it was just a one time thing, or if it can be duplicated.

Turns out, it can be. All you have to do is entice yourself into a vegetative state, stare at a girl for a really long time, until you catch her attention, forcing her to think "is this kid seriously doing this right now?" Then you keep staring, and eventually she will love you.

It is inevitable.

Long story short, she is coming to the school next year, and we are getting married, I will propose to her via 2 blinks, and when she says yes by blinking her left eye, I will buy her a contact lense as her wedding ring, to wear at all times. We are in love, and if you disapprove, I hate you.

Ok though, 2 times HAS to be a fluke right? This can't happen more than TWICE!

You know the old saying, "Fool me twice, shame on me, fool me three times, I just impregnated you through eye contact."

You can only guess what happened next.

I was strolling back to the dorms, after grabbing soup and a salad A.K.A "Lunch" from Mac's Snacks, A.K.A "rip-off," where I ran into (Not literally) a female human I had spoken with earlier in the day.

This female human may or may not be an admitted bi-sexual, and may or may not perform stripteases on a regular basis for extra cash, but that is completely IRRELEVANT.

I spotted her from about 20 feet away, and looked down because it was too far away to say hi, so we each walked 10 more feet, and it was optimum "say hi time."

I seized the opportunity, and said "It's a beautiful day. How are you?"

The female specimen replied "I am good. It is a nice day."

Totally normal conversation.

I was actually happy to have had a verbal exchange INCLUDING eye-contact, with no sexual undertones. I was elated to have a friendly social greeting.

Then she uttered the inevitable SEXY PHRASE.

As I was walking past her, she turned around, and said "We are having sex in my mind right now. And you like it. I am going to communicate this through eye contact. Some would call it "eye-sex." I heard it in a motion picture once."

Ok, you are right. She did NOT say that.

She said "How's that salad?"

But what she MEANT was the original quote, because she looked me dead in the eyes, told me via unspoken word that she was going to take my virginity, and I was going to be happy about it.

Not knowing what to do, I was helpless, I made eye contact, and sure enough, this beautiful day became a sad, sad mess, and I was now the father of an eye-baby.

I knew I should have worn glasses. Safety first.

Either way, this time i felt 100% violated, and 13% happy that it was over 60 degrees in La Grande. Which is NOT a lie.

So, to combat this accidental eye-intercourse, I have decided to walk around with my eyes taped shut at all times. Taking notes in class presents a problem, and I have to put my suitemate on a leash to guide me to classes, because seeing-eye-dogs are way too expensive.

So far, I've twisted my ankle, drawn obscene pictures on my multiple choice tests cuz I couldn't see A B or C, so I just drew the middle finger, and I have been cited for wreckless walking, but I have YET to have involuntary eye-sex, so i am going to live the rest of my life as a pseudo-blind man.

And if you don't like it, stop making eye contact with me, because you may or may not have just had unprotected sex without knowing it.