Facebook Personalities

After a Finals Week that consisted of no finals, too much fantasy basketball, and a lot of information on Tiger Woods' personal life, I found myself spending an inordinate amount of time on Facebook. While on this social networking machine, I started noticing different people all have different “Facebook Personalities.”

It should be noted that all of these findings came to be through a very scientific method that involved premature judgments, random spurts of anger, taking naps and sporadic results based on the current mood I was in.

In other words, take this very seriously. Or you could be next.

Here are a few of my observations that I made while I was stalking you on Facebook, while you were probably cramming, losing sleep, and pounding your face in between the pages of your biology book:


The Awkward Conversationalist-

This person may or may not be awkward in real life, but it doesn’t matter, because they have terrible Facebook Social etiquette. What’s that? You didn’t know there was a social etiquette on Facebook? That’s probably because YOU are an Awkward Conversationalist.

Are they dangerous?

Most likely. The AC attacks in many different forms. Most commonly, they will start up conversation with you over a photograph, which we all know is rule #217 in the Facebook user-handbook. Their conversation will look something like this.

“Hey. Nice pic. So…how r u?”

Of course, if you are a halfway decent human being, you don’t respond to this. If you are a full-way decent human being, you throw your laptop out of your window in a fit of rage and disgust.
How am I? Well…thanks to your impolite Facebooking…I am terrible. I have no computer, and you have awful social skills, you Awkward Conversationalist.

How to get rid of them:

There is an 80 percent chance that the AC will get very upset with the fact that when you threw your laptop out of your window, you actually hit the hood of their car, or a very young child. To this, you will reply, “God bless you,” cross your heart and pray to a higher being that this person permanently loses internet access, or the ability to move their fingers.

Note:

They may also get upset that you never replied to their comment. They might even go so far as to send you a MESSAGE. In which case, of course, you will report them to the local police station as an internet predator, and they will be banished from Facebook forever, then they will go to Myspace, where all the other pedophiles go. Do not feel bad. They did this to themselves.


The Personal Questioner-

This person seems very genuine, and appears to have only good intentions, but do not fall for their trap. They ask you personal questions on your wall, where everyone can read it, and their only reason for doing this is so they can leak information about you to gossip sites like TMZ. Pretty soon, you will crash your car into a tree outside of your Orlando mansion, and have sex with multiple cocktail waitresses. Also, Ed Werder and other sportscenter anchors will live in your front yard. Their facebook style will look something like this:

“Hey man, so I heard the doctor said its only contagious when its an open sore…how’s the inflammation?…and I guess that you might have got it from that girl that my brother introduced you to. I could have sworn she was clean man. Anyway, that lip-hair wasn’t helping anybody regardless. I hope you’re doing well. Get back to me.”

Are They Dangerous?

Of course. If you have a PQ who can’t mind their P’s and Q’s, delete them from your friend list. If you are unaware of how to do this, go to their house and steal their internet connection. If you can’t do this…politely ask them to send you a message, because you’d rather not discuss this given topic over such a public medium. Then steal their identity.


Your Friends Dad-

There are two distinct different parent facebook users. One of which will friend request you, and will never have any social connection with you. The other will friend request you, and leave random comments on your status updates, mostly using outdated internet lingo to sound hip. There is great potential for the parents to completely mess this up. Like…

“LOL! Really? Wow. I waz total-e thinkin tha same thing! NEwayz…y do ppl spell with Z’s so much on the internet? Is it bcuz I’m 45 and shuldn’t be on Facebook? Why am I friend requesting all ur friends? Do you h8 the fact I’m on here? Let’s talk POLITICS! I am just jk’ing. TTYLOL!”

Are they dangerous?

Not really. They are mostly harmless and mildly annoying if they keep their distance. I recently found out that my History teacher has a facebook. Of course, I friend requested her and threatened to send her a virus if I didn’t get an A. There are perks to having elder folks on Facebook.

How do you get rid of them?

There’s not much you can do. However, posing pictures of their son or daughter drinking, smoking, having sex, swearing, or publically urinating usually causes some sort of controversy/hilarity amongst the family. You will also notice your friend cusses a lot less than usual on Facebook. That is because your friend is a pussy.

Your Friend’s Mom-

She is equally dangerous, and less assuming. She forces you to watch your every move on facebook, because your mom is friends with her, and everyone knows mom’s talk shit about their son’s/daughter’s Facebook tendencies. There is nothing you can do to prevent Your Friend’s Mom from her devilish Facebook ways. Just curl into the fetal position, and don’t go outside ever again. It will be okay.


The Eavesdropper:

Eavesdropper is one of the hardest words to spell in the English language, and not surprisingly, eavesdroppers are some of the hardest to spot on Facebook. That’s because they could be eavesdropping on your Facebook conversations with other people, and not even COMMENT on your wall-to-wall or status updates. HOW DARE THEY! The only way you might catch an Eavesdropper is by them casually bringing something up months later, like, “Yeah I saw that your day last Wednesday was really rough. I mean, you had that Math class that you hate, then you tripped in front of that super cute girl.” Then you say…how do you know such specific details? Then they’d say, “Well I have cameras installed in your house.” Then you’d resume your day as if nothing happened. Then approximately 17 hours later, you wake up in a cold sweat and realize you are friends with an Eavesdropper.


How to get rid of them?

The Eavesdropper can only be caught in the act. It’s kind of like when you are staring at an attractive classmate, and they make eye-contact and you try to veer your attention elsewhere, making it look like you weren’t looking in the first place. As we all know, this never works. I suggest tracking devices, hand grenades, tomato sauce or a mix of all of the above.
Hyperactive Status Updater: The HSU by all accounts is a terrible person with too much time on their hands. Their too-frequent status updates will read something like this:


HSU: just did some dishes.

HSU: Just had some water. I love water!

HSU: Just got off Facebook. Then logged back on again. Lol.

HSU: Just realized it’s kinda cold in here!

HSU: Just realized I turned the heat up too much! I’m like…sweating.

HSU: Fuck guys. They r so dumb. And thermostats. They are dumb too. Ugh.

HSU: I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND!

HSU: I’m kinda tired. It’s 3 a.m. and I haven’t gotten off my laptop yet. I should probably eat.

HSU: Just ate.

HSU: To all you guys out there, remember this one thing: Girls don’t like guys who are DICKS! So…BE NICE!

HSU: Fuck guys.

HSU: I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND! Love ya baby!! Xoxoxo.

Are they Dangerous:

To your health and well being? Yes. Click the “hide all” icon next to their name, and you will add 10 years to your life.

Others:

The over-user of the Like Button: Why can’t you leave a comment or something? These people usually want people to think they are far too busy to actually type, but they are more than willing to click the thumbs up.

The Person That Doesn’t Know You But Friend Requested You: At first, you are honored, then flattered, then creeped out. The latter is appropriate. Call the police.

Closet Facebook Addict: This person is always leaving comments on people’s walls and status updates, but is “invisible,” and never seems to be online. You find yourself thinking, “gee, CFA must be really busy to NEVER be on Facebook.” But really, they are just as addicted as you, but they are worse because they disguise themselves. Wear your addiction proudly, FCA, or else you will be exposed. Or attacked by a pack of rabid coyotes.

The person who keeps saying “dislike”: That was funny last year. Stop it. Go hang out with your parents who are also on Facebook.

The Person Who Always Writes Facebook Notes and Blogs and Stuff and Expects People to Read it and Find it Humorous: Seriously man, give it up. You weren’t very funny to start with. Also, the way you walk is very feminine.

Ow.

President of the United Status

With all of the hope and optimism surrounding this big thing everyone keeps talking about, something about egg-noguration, having something to do with the decline of racism in America, and the steady increase of hope and free will to a generation of youth, I find myself cautiously optimistic, sitting in my dorm room, farting, and blogging.

Now I did not see this so called "Thick-Holiday-Beverage-Uration," but from what I understand, Barack Obama took a stance in front of millions of people, looked all of them dead in the eye, and simultaneously started throwing money at all in attendance, hoping this would solve the current economic crisis.

Turns out, he ended up throwing some rolled change in addition to the bills, and as a result, 3/4 of the attendee's are blind, but they are 100 pennies richer.

As far as I'm concerned, he's got my vote. Free money? Who can complain. Inflation? Isn't that what a beach ball does when you blow air into it?

What's that you say? He has already been elected? My bad. La Grande has yet to get electricity, so I am a little behind in all the current events.

...But did you SEE that Superbowl Halftime show? Janet's got some explaining to do! Justin can cry all the rivers he wants for that one!

And I can't believe that Bill Clinton fellow. Ms. Lewinski was such a nice girl.

All jokes aside, this is a wonderful moment for America. I think it might be the second greatest thing to happen in our country, just past the Chia Pet.

Man, that thing is cool.

But not everybody can grow a full head of grass, so we can settle for second-best.

In the aftermath of the Eggnoguration, I have decided that Facebook updates are stupid and should only be used to tell people you have a new blog posted. A blog that is one hundred percent entirely about your life, and some people read it, because you are a sarcastic, tall, human male.

After seeing "Matt Obamalover is "GO OBAMA! WOOH"

And seeing "Matt Obamahater is "Buck Ofama"

And seeing "Matt Whogivesafuck is "Soooo tired of school...Like...why is life so HARD!?"

And "Matt I-am-now-not-so-depressed-and-for-some-reason-i-feel-like-everyone-should-know-this-now is Soooo glad I got an A on my English exam! YES!"

And "Thomas I-dont-know-why-my-space-bar-doesnt-work-and-who-the-hell-has-such-a-long-hard-to-pronounce-last-name is I hate my family heritage."

I decided, Facebook status updates are stupid.

Yet, I look at them. Everyday. And think...WHO CARES? The answer to that question is YOU. YOU care. And so do I. So what do we do to change this unforunate phenomenon?

You give me 20 dollars. Within the next week. I will then change my Facebook status to:

Sean Dart is: Really happy he just earned 300 dollars through persuading people to pay me 20 dollars each over the internet to get rid of Facebook status updates. This is a Facebook status update...Suckers.

Another useful thing to do is to look at your own Facebook profile, and click "view photos of me."

If you are like me, and don't believe in flash photography, you have 48 pictures of yourself on Facebook.

If you are a girl, you have 1 million pictures on Facebook.

And if you are ugly, you do not have a Facebook, because ugly people are poor, and cannot afford the Internet.

Look through the pictures, and take tabs off of unflattering photo's. Then your friend will re-tag you, and you will promptly plant a bomb in their house, as this is the only sufficient way to retaliate.

When you aren't making fun of inaugurations, sending me money, or Facebook-ing, you should study, cuz that's what college is for. That, and having professors that could quite possibly be legally mentally challenged, or maybe a kitten. Kitten professors. Retarted kitten professors. But that's for another blog. If you read this far, I am sorry. It is bedtime. And you should be studying.


To eggnog.