You Know You're a D3 Athlete When:

The life of a Division 3 athlete isn’t a glorious one. And by “isn’t glorious,” I mean “pretty shitty.” We don’t get athletic scholarships, we are, by most accounts, less athletic than our sport requires, making the whole running, jumping, moving-quickly-thing kind of difficult. We get hardly any fans, and even our friends and family aren’t sure they want to come to our games. When your mom tells you that you’re slow and boring, you know you’re a D3 athlete. It’s not all bad, though. . . we get a really good education, and get funny articles written about us in the newspaper. Check it out.

You know you’re a division 3 athlete when:

-You weren’t the best player on your high school team.

-You were the best player on your high school team. That won 3 games in the 1A classification of Montana’s Cowboy Hat League.

-The trainers keep a running tab for all the athletic tape you’ve used over the years.

-Your total is $57.50

-Tuition is $57,000

-A year.

-You:”Sorry I was late to practice, Coach, dissecting an armadillo is far more time consuming and intricate than I had previously assumed!”

Coach: “No problem, did you ever calculate the velocity at which you need to throw the ball in order to get us a god-damn touchdown this weekend?”

You: “Why, yes. Yes I did. I’ll give you the spreadsheet.”

-''W-ill-a-mette? That sounds like a mountain. Is it a mountain? I'm pretty sure that's a mountain.''

- You still sort of operate under the assumption that you’re a big time athlete. This is evident by your incessant Facebook posting about your game tonight, and your Twitter feed. Insert hash-tag-joke here.

- You listen to Bon Iver on your warm-up mix. Or Childish Gambino, because he’s the only rapper “intellectual enough” to pump you up.

- You play in an intramural league in the offseason, and you aren’t that much better than the other students playing.

- This doesn’t stop you from being overly competitive, sweaty, probably having some sort of offensive chest hair, insisting on being “skins” every time, and yelling at everyone. “HELPSIDE! D! BALL, BALL, BALL! WHO’S GOT SHOOTER?”

- People don’t want to be on your intramural team.

- Everyone has this story: “In high school, I played against “_____” and held my own. We got destroyed, but I played really well. “____” is overrated. I am underrated.”

- That one time you get to play against a big D1 school, you always walk away from it saying “they’re not that good” and “we could have competed with them.”

-Your mom might agree.