Do you REALLY wish you were a little bit taller?

We all know the song that goes, "I wish I were a little bit taller, I wish I were a baller, I wish I had jeans that can't reach my feet, size 16, and my nickname was String Bean."

Those were the original lyrics, until Shaquille O’neal took offense to the lyrics and promised to eat everyone’s children if the lyrics were not changed. We all know tall people have an irregular appetite for tasty children, so the National Committee of Lyrics decided to change it.

In general, being “above average height,” is traditionally a positive attribute. You never hear girls say, “I like him…but I just wish he were shorter than me!” And you never hear people long to be just a little bit shorter. Get it? LONG!? Anyway—my point is most people would prefer to be at, or above average height.

I have been tall my entire life—contrary to popular belief, I actually emerged from the womb in the exact state that I am today—6’7 and 210 lbs. My mother is a champ, and has hated me from day one.

However, I do not age, so I do not let this deter my ability to write random internet postings about why you might SAY you wish you were taller—but in reality, you are fine just how you are, lil guy. Or girl.

Here are ten reasons you are glad that you are not six feet seven inches tall, and ten reasons why I just sawed off my shins before writing this.

1. People try to hang clothes on you when walking around town and or campus-

Please stop laughing. This is not a joke. You take for granted that people’s greeting to you is, “Hey _____ how are you doing?”

The greeting I receive from people is typically, “Oh GOD it just got warm all of a sudden! Love the warm weather! Oh—how convenient. A walking, breathing coat rack. This one is uglier than the other ones I’ve seen. But…it’ll have to do!” (person sets coat on top of my head, walks away) “Remind me to get that later! K bye!”


2. Everyone in Movie Theatres Hates You-

Unless you are the person that says out loud, “I WANT TO SEE THAT MOVIE!” after every preview that pleases you, you have no idea what it is like to be above 6’5 and sit down at a movie theatre. As if sitting down weren’t hard enough for my gigantic legs, once I plop onto the cushion, and my knees are stabbing me in the chest from lack of legroom, the person behind me usually, and almost always says, “Who is this freak?”


Next, I get their coat hung on top of my head, and their children ask them when the Zoo let out the Giraffes. Then the previews come on, and I announce to everyone my opinion on the given film, which causes the person in front of me to turn around. They also now hate me because my bony kneecaps are knocking against their backrest, causing multiple contusions in their spine.

I am investing in a Netflix subscription.

3. Basic Household Chores Cause Extreme Discomfort-

Seriously. I just did my dishes and I now have Scoliosis. Reaching down to pick up things is an insurmountable task. Which is why I have acquired Monkey Feet. I can pick things up with my feet, throw them away—even fold my laundry with my toes. I am typing this with my pinkie and middle toes.

4. If You Have an Average Sized Friend That You Sometimes Stand Next To—You Will Inevitably Be Referred To As “Jack and the Beanstock” by Complete Strangers-

This actually happened to me at a concert last summer. I do not want to talk about it.

5. You Receive Random Requests for Piggy Back Rides-

This will happen among friends, which is okay—except it actually hurts sometimes—but it is not okay when people you do not know request piggy-backs just to “be as high up as you.”

Buy a step-stool and stop ridiculing me in public. I am not an animal. Though I do usually comply when asked to supply piggy-backs. I do draw a line when they ask me to gallop and snarl like a horse. I have some integrity.

6. All of your Pants are Capri’s and you aren’t that Trendy-

Growing out of pants that my mom bought me stopped being fun once I turned 12. Now it is an entire annoyance because people shout, “WHEN’S THE FLOOD COMING!?” when they notice my pants are four inches from my ankles. I calmly explain to them that it is extremely hard to find length 38 pants. They then say, “THIRTY EIGHT!?” very loudly, which every time, results in extreme and total embarrassment.

Do not be mistaken that this could be avoided by wearing shorts. Wearing shorts guarantees five to six inches of lower thigh exposure, which has been known to cause nausea and vomiting among anyone with half-decent eyesight.

7. You don’t get to Ride Roller Coasters—not for the Reasons you’d Imagine-


There have been multiple occasions where I have been too tall to ride roller coasters. Of course, like any 18 year-old kid would do, I cried and threw a fit until my mother bought me cotton candy and explained to the people operating the ride that I was a very nice young man. I finally got to ride it. The next summer, I found out that someone died on that same roller-coaster. It had nothing to do with height, but I have been mad at my mom ever since and refuse to eat cotton candy.

8. It is Horrible Irony to be Afraid of Heights and to be Tall-


It is statistically proven that fear of heights is more common among tall people than normal-height-people. I sometimes scream if I stand up too fast.

Other Things:

-The “weather up here” is not any different than at your level. Unless you are an ant, there is little to no significant climatic difference between short people and tall people. Please stop using this joke. I can’t remember the last time it was actually funny.

-“How did you get so tall?” I have no idea. My dad was tall. My mom was tall. They got married and had a tall baby. What’s that? No. It has nothing to do with eating my vegetables. Stop taking pictures of me.

-“Are those ski’s or shoes?” They are shoes. It would be terribly inconvenient to wear skis around town. Unless you lived in a town that was always snowy and had large hills.

-“Do you shop at Baby Gap?” No. I shop at normal Gap. Which would be like you shopping at Baby Gap because of the very significant difference between our body sizes.