10 Things That Make Me Never Want to Exercise Again

Anyone that has ever exercised in a public venue is aware that a gym is, in all reality, a horrendous, awful place. It always smells like hand sanitizer and onions, the bacteria on the equipment is enough to melt your skin off, and—if we are being completely honest, nobody actually enjoys exercising.

So, here we are, trapped in a stinky compound where dude’s kiss their biceps and girls talk about, “Oh MA GAWD I had a Snickers today. I am…like..sooo bad! Ten extra minutes on the treadmill for me!” pretending like we want to be there, when in all reality we are miserable. Sounds like a recipe for disaster, right? Here, in no particular order, are 10 things that make me never want to exercise again.

1. Ipod straps worn on male biceps-

If you are one of these people, stop reading right now. The Ipod Bicep Strap is a phenomenon that has been around since the beginning of time when Cavemen were tanning and drinking protein shakes—and everyone knows Cavemen evolved into Regular Men, and the only trait they carried over, besides chronic drooling, is the Ipod Bicep Strap.

These people are very dangerous, and you should stay away from them and publically humiliate them as frequently as possible. For example, as a fellow gym-goer, you are obligated to announce that the man in the onesie staring at his bicep, trying to bust the elastic had an Ipod touch, which allows us all to know he is listening to Miley Cyrus. And not “Party In The USA,” because that song is actually good and okay to listen to. No. He listens to old Miley Cyrus and you must announce this immediately. Godspeed.


2. Really Sweaty People who do not use Sanitizer Spray

Excuse me sir, you look like you just took a shower with all of your clothes on. Could you please clean up Lake Michigan on the Leg Press machine? No. I do not want to fight. Fine.

3. Wife Beaters In General

These can be potentially volatile if coupled with chest hair, or fake tan, or, god forbid, BOTH. Some people like to buy tank tops that barely reach their waist line, exposing two inches of their midriff. They do pull-ups in front of the mirror and stare at their bellybutton. They itch their bellybutton then do not use hand sanitizer. It is your right, and duty as a fellow human being to pinch their midriff and make a derogatory comment somewhere along the lines of, “Not workin’ hard enough, eh?” Or “Lose 10 lbs…then come back and wear that shirt, okay?”

Of course, you are not serious because you are not an awful person, but they are because they wear wife beaters to the gym, so don’t feel bad. DISCLAIMER: Do not actually do this. That is really mean. Just write anonymous internet posts badmouthing them.


4. Unsolicited Advice

Stop telling me how to bench press correctly. If I want to tear my rotator cuff and ruin my life, let me do it. Also, I just had to take an earphone out. Leave me alone. You smell like feet.

5. Attractive Women Who Purposely Wear A Small Amount of Clothing

It is not the women’s fault that they happen to be physically attractive and want to exercise. It is, however, their fault for wearing spandex and a shirt that fit them when they were 6. Consequentially, every male in the gym stops staring at themselves for ten seconds to watch this women exercise. That is the men’s fault, but it doesn’t help that this woman is making humping motions in the air, and letting out periodic grunts.

6. Synchronized Grunting

If you are unlucky enough to have witnessed something I call “Synchronized Grunting,” between an attractive male wearing little clothing and an attractive female wearing little clothing, you know it is a mating ritual that involves the man lifting large amounts of weight and going “Ugh!” and the women doing some sort of sexually suggestive movement and going “Ooh!” It is comparable to mating calls in the wild, but much more primitive because these people have the collective IQ of a Banana-Nut-Muffin. Which are delicious...but VERY HIGH IN FAT! 10 minutes on the treadmill for me!

7. Elderly Men Who Lift More Weight Than Me

Why are you exercising? You actually look like you might be 70. Why are you laughing at me? Is it because you can snap me in half and are lifting twice the weight I am hoisting? What’s that? You have a walker? Oh. Okay. You can’t walk and you live in a retirement home, but you are doing pushups with a piano on your back. Okay. This is me being emasculated.


8. Elderly Women Who Lift More Weight Than Me
(See Above)


9. Groups of People Exercising Together

Stop pretending that exercising is a social event to be enjoyed by you and your friends. If I hear you ask your buddy if your quads look more toned than last week, I will set your tanning bed to an extra ten minutes, creating a very uneven skin tone.


10. It Is Common Courtesy To Wear Deodorant Prior To Exercising In Public

“Dude…what is that SMELL?”

“I don’t know, but that goofy kid in the corner has a green fog surrounding him.”

“Yes. He appears to be very tall. And radioactive. Wife-beater, bicep band, staring at women, drooling, gelled hair, even tan skin, blowing kisses to himself in the mirror, offering advice to everyone, changing his voice to a pitch deeper than it actually is.”

"Hey man...maybe like...lose 10 lbs. THEN wear that shirt, okay?

Okay. I have learned my lesson. Nobody’s perfect.

Just kidding. Seriously. I am. Kidding.