These are the People at the Gym That You Hate. (Warning: You are this person. And so am I.)

You know that Common song? "Drivin' Me Wild?", where he says "She was the type to watch Oprah and The Today Show / Be on the treadmill, uh, like Ok Go."

He was rapping about me.

Seriously.

Except the line should go more like, "He was that dude at the gym hoggin' the elliptical / Changin' the channel to any major sporting event and sweating an inordinate amount. People mostly hated him, uh."

Yep, I'm that girl. Or guy. WHATEVER. I have a horrible habit of feeling entitled to every cardio machine at the gym, and any television set near it.

If I see someone on said cardio machine, watching CNN or something else STUPID like that, I am immediately irrationally irritated. I will exhibit some awful passive-aggressive tendencies, like standing a few feet behind them for minutes at a time, clearing my throat repeatedly.

"AHEM..."

"AAAAAHEEEEMMMM"

Most times they have headphones on. FINE. I will usually go to a different machine and act extremely offended.

I think it has something to do with how much time I spend in the gym. If I'm there for hours on end, how dare YOU, random elliptical girl, steal MY spot in front of MY sporting event. I OWN THE NBA. AND THAT TV. Do you UNDERSTAND?

DOGS:

Okay, there are no ACTUAL dogs in the gym. Unless you go to a dog gym, in which case, who ARE you? Everyone in the gym is actually a Dog, though. Except less furry and probably not as adorable. The territorial nature of everyone at the gym never ceases to amaze me. It's not just me, you do it too.

If I am using a bench at the gym, get up to get water, come back and someone is using it, I almost lose my mind.

"I was on that."

"(Silence...which should probably not be put in quotation marks.)"

"I WAS ON THAT. I WAS USING THAT, NOW YOU ARE USING THAT. I WAS NOT DONE, WITH THAT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?"

If you're on a machine, bench, treadmill, etc. and you see someone eyeing it, you immediately get defensive. If you are like me, you will just pee on the machine that you are using.

Problem. Solved.

OLD PEOPLE:

Sometimes, people that are old people like to exercise. This is totally cool. I love seeing older people maintaining their physical fitness, it's nice, because they could totally be playing checkers or making a puzzle, but instead they like to walk on treadmills, barely pedal an exercise bike, or mimic a sloth on the elliptical.

This is TOTALLY fine, guys. Like, really, it is SO OKAY I can't even begin to say how okay it is.

But, sometimes, I want them to mostly leave ALWAYS. And by that, I mean, if you are on a machine that someone could be actually using, maybe use a different one? Or at least be mindful of the time you are spending sitting on the bench doing wrist-curls? Or maybe go knit? I'm sorry?

GIRLS, IN GENERAL:

Why are you wearing only underwear at the gym? Why do you think everyone is a pervert for looking? Why are you complaining about how bad everyone smells at the gym? Why do I smell so bad at the gym? Why are you lifting more weight than me?

GUYS, IN GENERAL:

Why have you been benchpressing for 45 minutes? Why does your 'rest period' consist of hitting your lifting partner and questioning his sexuality over and over? Why haven't you showered in 4 days? Why are you wearing a bicep band? Why are you hitting on the girl wearing underwear? Why are you lifting more weight than me?

ME:

I am sorry I am so sweaty. IF I KNEW HOW TO CONTROL IT, I WOULD.

YOUR FRIEND THAT YOU SAY YOU WILL WORK OUT WITH BUT YOU SECRETLY HATE IT BECAUSE THEY NEVER STOP TALKING:

"How hard are these pushups? Man, I hate these. Why do you do so MANY? Don't you stop when it hurts? It hurts now, I think I wanna go outside. What do you think about the Facebook case being taken to The Supreme Court? Why aren't you talking back to me? You do too many abs. That girl is wearing underwear. Seriously. That girl is WEARING UNDERWEAR."

You are an awesome friend, but an awful workout partner. You know who you are.

THAT PERSON THAT DOES THE SAME THINGS YOU DO BUT WITH MUCH MORE WEIGHT, BETTER TECHNIQUE, AND OVERALL JUST SEEMS TO BE BETTER AT EXERCISING THAN YOU ARE:

Jerk.

GROUP STRETCHES ON THE AB MAT:

Stop. There are too many of you.

MIDDLE AGED WOMAN GOING THROUGH A MID-LIFE CRISIS THAT SINGS ALONG AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS TO KE$HA SONGS ON THE ELLIPTICAL:

Seriously. This was really funny at first, and sort of inspiring to see how much you enjoyed endorphins. Now it is bothersome, and if you don't stop going "hard, hard hard hard hard hard," I am going to vomit vomit vomit vomit vomit.