Kanye West said it best—“La la la lalaaaah that’s how the F*#K you sound, you drunk and hot girl.” Not saying all drunk and hot girls are tone deaf, worth of lyrical dedication, or even particularly unpleasant—but undoubtedly, they do exist, and by golly, it’s about time they got some recognition.
You’ve seen them, you’ve talked to them, you might have been one, you might have taken one home with you—though probably, not to meet mom. Nope, drunk and hot girls aren’t prototypical girlfriend material, or even good for a 3 minute conversation…but you know what they are really good for? RIDICULE ! And public embarrassment on the internet! That and they do tend to have excellent fashion sense, and/or extremely large, extravagant sunglasses and handbags.
In the typical college scene, depending on the size of your school, you will meet 3-5 Drunk And Hot Girls per weekend. They tend to come out on Fridays more than Saturdays, as Drunk And Hot Girls don’t like waiting until Saturday to get publically, inhumanly, disgustingly, borderline addiction—inebriated.
In some cases—you know this Drunk And Hot Girl. She’s in your chemistry class—she’s actually your lab partner! And you see her at the party, and she slips out of her very modern slip on gold shoe, with those tiny adorable bows on the toe.
Next, she spills a little bit of her drink on you, but you don’t mind cuz beer compliments the cologne you are wearing, and finally you guys make eye contact.
(Note: Drunk and Hot Girls do not…I repeat, DO NOT traverse the party scene alone. Partly because they are unable to stand up straight, but also because her friends remember last weekend when she went home with that guy on the football team who wears pink polo’s with the collar popped. Um..”EEEW! Fashion Police!” They will most likely say.)
You want to talk to Drunk and Hot Girl, because she is your lab partner, and that drool on her chin really accentuates her facial features, and you want to tell her, but you are first assaulted by her group of Less Drunk and Hot Girls, who can actually physically put together articulate sentences.
“Um…our friend Rachael (most common DAHG name)is really sorry, but she can’t talk to you right now!”
“YA YA YA SHUT YER TRAP DENISE! I’LL TALK to ALLEN all I want! He did my lab once! Hi Allen…”
“Hey Rachel. We are lab partners. My name is Sean. You invited me to this party…I actually just got a text from you—and it’s even makes a little sense, it says “hey Allen, the party is at 24th and ;-). I looked really hard for a street called “;-)” and I even mapquested ‘winky-face lane’ and ‘smiley drive’ but those are in Eugene…we are in Salem. But anyway...I am here.
Rachel: I have no idea what you talking to…(briefly turns to vomit, then upon turning around, thinks you are someone else.)
Rachel: S’yer name Jason? I swear really seen you. You are my English class. You are tall and have hot. A Jeans can’t reach damn ankles though shop big tall S**T!
Nooope! Still Sean..actually…and these are capris. Thanks though.
Rachel: I think friend has BALLS!
“Um…what?” You think my friend has balls?”
Rachel: I can’t see you.
“Um…I am literally 18 inches from you.”
Rachel: You need help.
“I need help?”
Rachel: You can help me once.
“Are you okay?”
Rachel: I am black out. I think chemistry teacher good though kindly cute.
“Our chemistry teacher is a woman.”
Rachel: Wanna hear sing?
“I really don't. But have you heard that Kanye West song?”
Rachel: Yeah…I sayin gold diggey—but she can’t f**kin hold alcohol! Love favorite ones! Door jam my toe though! Selfish d**ks…
“Listen, Rachel, I think I should probably go…”
Rachel: I think friend has BALLS!
“I have no idea what that means.”
Rachel: You take home kay?
“I’m going to go get your friends.”
At this point, you are entirely confused as to what has just transpired between yourself and Drunk and Hot Girl, so you walk back to your group of friends.
“Bro, that girl is ON POINT! Were you spittin game Dart? (insert last name here.)”
Next, in an attempt to regain your pride and understanding of what just happened, you say, “Yeah bro, it was weird she is totally sober and remembered me from Chemistry class. She called me tall and hot and stuff. I got her number, man…I’m stoked!”
Then you get a bunch of hi-5’s from all your buddies and they say things like “You’d better hit that,” and “BOOTY call for Dart later!” and “She’s a really nice girl, I am happy for you. I bet her family is very kind, and she had a sound upbringing. Have an intelligent conversation with her, then hold hands while you watch “Garden State.”
See? Drunk and Hot Girls aren’t that bad…they’ve gained you false respect amongst your peers, and the vomit on your pant-leg will wash out in a few tries…she even might regain consciousness to help you do the lab on Monday. Until then, here’s to you, Drunk and Hot Girls, keep making everyone around you seem that much more appealing, and wipe up that drool on your chin—saliva makes you look fat.
You’ve seen them, you’ve talked to them, you might have been one, you might have taken one home with you—though probably, not to meet mom. Nope, drunk and hot girls aren’t prototypical girlfriend material, or even good for a 3 minute conversation…but you know what they are really good for? RIDICULE ! And public embarrassment on the internet! That and they do tend to have excellent fashion sense, and/or extremely large, extravagant sunglasses and handbags.
In the typical college scene, depending on the size of your school, you will meet 3-5 Drunk And Hot Girls per weekend. They tend to come out on Fridays more than Saturdays, as Drunk And Hot Girls don’t like waiting until Saturday to get publically, inhumanly, disgustingly, borderline addiction—inebriated.
In some cases—you know this Drunk And Hot Girl. She’s in your chemistry class—she’s actually your lab partner! And you see her at the party, and she slips out of her very modern slip on gold shoe, with those tiny adorable bows on the toe.
Next, she spills a little bit of her drink on you, but you don’t mind cuz beer compliments the cologne you are wearing, and finally you guys make eye contact.
(Note: Drunk and Hot Girls do not…I repeat, DO NOT traverse the party scene alone. Partly because they are unable to stand up straight, but also because her friends remember last weekend when she went home with that guy on the football team who wears pink polo’s with the collar popped. Um..”EEEW! Fashion Police!” They will most likely say.)
You want to talk to Drunk and Hot Girl, because she is your lab partner, and that drool on her chin really accentuates her facial features, and you want to tell her, but you are first assaulted by her group of Less Drunk and Hot Girls, who can actually physically put together articulate sentences.
“Um…our friend Rachael (most common DAHG name)is really sorry, but she can’t talk to you right now!”
“YA YA YA SHUT YER TRAP DENISE! I’LL TALK to ALLEN all I want! He did my lab once! Hi Allen…”
“Hey Rachel. We are lab partners. My name is Sean. You invited me to this party…I actually just got a text from you—and it’s even makes a little sense, it says “hey Allen, the party is at 24th and ;-). I looked really hard for a street called “;-)” and I even mapquested ‘winky-face lane’ and ‘smiley drive’ but those are in Eugene…we are in Salem. But anyway...I am here.
Rachel: I have no idea what you talking to…(briefly turns to vomit, then upon turning around, thinks you are someone else.)
Rachel: S’yer name Jason? I swear really seen you. You are my English class. You are tall and have hot. A Jeans can’t reach damn ankles though shop big tall S**T!
Nooope! Still Sean..actually…and these are capris. Thanks though.
Rachel: I think friend has BALLS!
“Um…what?” You think my friend has balls?”
Rachel: I can’t see you.
“Um…I am literally 18 inches from you.”
Rachel: You need help.
“I need help?”
Rachel: You can help me once.
“Are you okay?”
Rachel: I am black out. I think chemistry teacher good though kindly cute.
“Our chemistry teacher is a woman.”
Rachel: Wanna hear sing?
“I really don't. But have you heard that Kanye West song?”
Rachel: Yeah…I sayin gold diggey—but she can’t f**kin hold alcohol! Love favorite ones! Door jam my toe though! Selfish d**ks…
“Listen, Rachel, I think I should probably go…”
Rachel: I think friend has BALLS!
“I have no idea what that means.”
Rachel: You take home kay?
“I’m going to go get your friends.”
At this point, you are entirely confused as to what has just transpired between yourself and Drunk and Hot Girl, so you walk back to your group of friends.
“Bro, that girl is ON POINT! Were you spittin game Dart? (insert last name here.)”
Next, in an attempt to regain your pride and understanding of what just happened, you say, “Yeah bro, it was weird she is totally sober and remembered me from Chemistry class. She called me tall and hot and stuff. I got her number, man…I’m stoked!”
Then you get a bunch of hi-5’s from all your buddies and they say things like “You’d better hit that,” and “BOOTY call for Dart later!” and “She’s a really nice girl, I am happy for you. I bet her family is very kind, and she had a sound upbringing. Have an intelligent conversation with her, then hold hands while you watch “Garden State.”
See? Drunk and Hot Girls aren’t that bad…they’ve gained you false respect amongst your peers, and the vomit on your pant-leg will wash out in a few tries…she even might regain consciousness to help you do the lab on Monday. Until then, here’s to you, Drunk and Hot Girls, keep making everyone around you seem that much more appealing, and wipe up that drool on your chin—saliva makes you look fat.
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3 comments:
haha holy shit sean, that is an amazing post. good job
This is absolutely hilarious!! you are a great writer! So interactive
Sean! I had no idea you had a blog. Umm okay, this is probably the best thing I've read all day (and I've been reading a lot of really smart academic shizz for my thesis)! Wish you could publish THIS in The Collegian (or the soc post)...
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